Beholding

The other day while on a social media site perusing what those linked to my page had shared, I found myself doing something I often find the need to do, hide other's post from my view. It isn't that I am narrow minded, uptight, or judgmental.  In fact those that know me the best find me to be quite the opposite. It was rather that the things posted were vile, extreme, offensive, rude, inhumane, and the like.

Why do I need to know in detail how an abortion takes place? Why would I want to see pictures of animals suffering? What exactly is accomplished by blasting a political party? How are jokes funny when they are at another's expense? To what end would a post detailing a crime benefit anyone other then the prosecution, judge, and jury? Why would people claiming to follow a God of pure love think it ok to kill animals without need, take away freedom of choice, and judge others so harshly? And why do those who follow one theory try to belittle those who follow another?

I'd like to answer the above questions quickly and precisely ... there is no reason at all.

For unless I plan to preform and abortion or have one, there is absolutely no need for that knowledge! Regarding animal abuse, all I need to know is an animal is suffering to know it is not ok. And if one is a member of a political party, there is probably reasons, whether based in fact or fiction, that led them to that very personal decision and now I hope to change their minds by personally attacking them? I am sorry but unless you are trying to be abusive and break their spirit and soul like an abuser, I have never known that tactic to work.

And when did it become funny that another person is hurting, whether emotionally or physically? When you are in pain, do you find it funny? Where did this total lack of empathy come from?

There are many reasons, studies, theories, opinions, books, and more that I could quote, discuss, or flaunt as I write. Personally though I find an old antique thought from an old antique book to be the simplest most concise answer I in my life have encountered and it is simply this; "As you behold, you become changed" .

No fancy words or long dissertation why. No threats, arguments, or bargaining. No loop holes, Hail Marys, or clauses. Just simple and direct....what you focus on changes you. But changes you how?

Could one argue that knowing these horrible things might discourage me from engaging in the activities, groups, or parties? You could. Would there be truth to it?

I look to history to answer that question. And sadly I don't really have to go very far back. All around me I see and hear evidence to the contrary. Troubled kids cite seeing their families doing drugs or other crimes as to why they have the skills they do. Alcoholics are often children of the same. Addicts often grew up around it or had a "friend" introduce them to drugs. Abusers often come from homes filled with abuse.

To uneducated for your taste? Let's bring it close home then. Most Christians I know are in the  same church their parents, family, or close friends were in. The majority of those with higher education did so because of those around them valuing education. Animal lovers grew up often with pets or someone they looked up to who loved animals. Need I go on?

So it seems obvious that when we focus or behold things that are negative we often become that way and the opposite seems to hold true as well. But how do we know exactly what we should focus on? What should we behold? Thankfully for those of us that like this old antique book there is a simple answer... Things that are true, honest, just, pure, lovely, of good report, virtuous, and praise worthy are the things we should focus on.

Are the things you are sharing, posting, talking, and discussing doing that for you? Are they doing it for others? What do they say about you and your focus? What do they say about you and your God? Or you and your belief system?

There is an old saying " what you win them with is what you win them to". Do I want to win or lead others to abuse, death, prejudices, bashing, anger, arguments, evils, bad politics, crime, slander, and a total lack of empathy?  

And this is for the Christians out there...the rest of you can skip this next paragraph if you want!

Did you ever stop to realize the devil doesn't really need to work very hard when you are lighting up your space with all that's wrong in the world, drawing attention and energy to his work rather then the focus on the beauty and goodness that God helps create and maintain in this world? As you are working yourself and those around you in some frenzy about some atrocity in the world you are ensuring that it is one less moment they might find goodness and the God of Love. And yet one more person who's focus is not where we should be wanting their focus to be. Do you realize which side you are helping?

Do I think you should put blinders on and not notice any thing wrong about you? No. But I do think this world would be much better and our energies more pure if we focused our energy and time on solutions.

If abortion bothers you, then focus on programs that seem to be finding solutions that are honest, just, and pure. Get education, support, love, and mentorship to the group that uses the service the most! Become a big sister! Mentor a young person! Volunteer with groups that are helping young mothers and families to move forward! Promote those groups so others are aware of them! Don't bash girls feeling they need an abortion or the places they find, enable them to have solid and workable solutions!

You don't like animal abuse? Volunteer at a shelter! Foster some pets until good homes are found! Go to schools with therapy animals and educate the children on the wonder and splendor of animals and the wonderful responsibility we as humans have toward them! Vote when appropriate for programs and laws to help. Sign petitions!

The other political party driving you nuts? Then stop wasting your time bashing a party you don't even belong to! Work on your own party! Help with a campaign! Encourage people to vote! Educate yourself on ways to improve the world around you! Sign petitions! Learn the facts and then vote for the changes you believe will truly help! Run for office!

  You don't like someone's religious views? Then live yours! Get involved in a church! Study the Bible or other religious guide seeking to understand and find truth! Make your church or place of worship friendly and welcoming and then invite everyone you can to come! Volunteer at your church! Be the epitome of your beliefs in every way you can! And then realize how hurt or offended you would be if someone bashed or belittled your views and beliefs and stop doing it to others! Now take it one step further, understand how angry you would be if someone tried to force you to follow their beliefs and never do that to another soul!

And then get on your social site and praise and promote all the good and kind things you have found that you believe will make this world a kinder, happier, more loving place!!

The truth is no matter what you believe, what you focus on affects you and changes who you are. Make sure you are becoming a better version of you. Try to draw attention and energy to that which will improve this amazing world we live in!

Behold that which you want to be.

The Fourth Freedom & Judgement

As I watched the beautiful and amazing Fourth of July celebrations I was struck by the difference between the beauty and splendor of these incredible displays and the ugly and disrespectful displays that have been playing out on various social medias. My heart swelled with pride and joy over all the many blessings we here enjoy, but it occurred to me that so many are forgetting why this wonderful country really came about.

Are you ready?

It was to escape and survive the mainstream Christian faith forcing all others to follow and live according to the rules and demands this Christian group decided was truth and therefore within their right to enforce and push these beliefs on others to the point of making laws to enforce them. Eventually and frequently this escalated to murder in the name of God and what was right becoming common place. The religion claimed truth, the bible, and God as their backing and power and used and abused these falsely to control, bully, and manipulate the world about them.

Wanting to escape to a place where they could live as they believed, our forefathers and mothers understood that without making certain that no religion or group, no matter how popular or right they seemed to be, could ever control, bully, or manipulate we would risk history repeating itself yet again.  Their dream was not to impose God on the people who came to this land but instead to deal with them in a way they believed was right and godly. In a way to protect the right of every human being to have freedom of choice and, though not united in beliefs or understand in all things, the belief that if these freedoms were to be maintained, defended, and fought for, this nation under God, not run by God, would succeed.

You see after witnessing the horrors of what man could and would do in the name of religion and truth, they realized that unless all  were seen as equal and all freedoms, as long as they did not directly harm another,  were protected, history would repeat itself. And while yes, they believed in God and the Bible, it was because of these beliefs that they realized how important it was to protect the choices and rights they believed God himself had given and therefore no man or woman had the right to strip away.

Yet here we are, hundreds of years later, supposedly advanced and wiser, fighting over rights and trying in the name of "right" and God to keep others from equality and force religious beliefs on others! It frightens me greatly!

Are we so weak and insecure in our own beliefs that unless others do the same we can not stay true to who we are? Has our God lost His power? Have we forgotten the wheat and the tares must grow together? Did we forget to love our neighbors? To love our enemies?  To love ourselves? When did the sins of someone else become a reason to cast the first stone? Are we not to render unto Caesar that which is Caesar's?

So as you ponder and reflect on the freedoms we hold dear and enjoy, please remember that unless we stand up for and protect all rights equally and all humans equally, one day we may not only see history repeat itself but live to regret it. Don't just worry about the freedoms you want and have, but the freedom of others as well. Don't join a group or side because it protects and follows your personal beliefs, follow and join the side of allowing others to do the same. And don't blast others and their groups for what you despise and hate, most likely they are doing exactly what you are doing, so change it up! Promote all you find that is good! Cherish the freedoms you love by ensuring they are available for others too! Fight for the underdog! Believe and support equality for all, not just who you agree with! Love yourself! Love your neighbor! Love your enemy!

I saw it said on social media that "Judge not that you be not judged..." was the cry of the unbeliever. That might be. But I find it sad and ironic that an unbeliever has to be the one to remind us.

If

If I should not care
Then what would my life be?
 Would I be held by
ideals and heart's misery?
Would I feel the need to stand
For it is right to any man?
Would I lose many nights of sleep
Would I often turn to weep
Would my heart much freer be
 if I could just but find the key?
Would once I let the worry go
Could I be joyful great and full
Would taste that of sleep ?
Or would I find but coldness keep
My soul to leave again
Would my weary eyelids close
And open to but joy
Or would I find but heart of stone
My soul to weigh or break?
Could I learn to look and see
Only that of joy
Or would I then forget to thank
And count my blessing ne'er
At time I wish my soul to rest
So weary I must be
If I digress and do not see
What would that truly mean?

God

A friend I have known for most of my life was talking with me the other day and she posed a question. This question was of no normal fair for her voice and words were wrapped in deep heartache etched in loss and grief. As I listened closely to not only her words but her feelings, my heart ached for her....

"Why" she said " does God always say no to me?"

I knew much of her story well and what I didn't know came through in her pain. She had lost much, suffered much, and endured much.  And now she longed for answers. But I was puzzled. As I listened, she explained.

"God said no I couldn't keep my son, He said no I couldn't keep my husband. And then He said no to love,  health, and so much more! Why? Why does He always say no?"

My heart ached doubly now, not only for her but for God too.

As my heart ached I realized how many times I had heard sentiments like hers. People who felt angry, hurt, forsaken, or let down by a God they wanted to believe in. How many times have I  heard people saying  "God only gives you what you can handle." or "Well God's will be done."? Every time I hear these words in relationship to a sad or bad occurrence I cringe! And it leaves me wondering what Bible they read.

God doesn't take away our loved ones, or give us sickness. He doesn't stand around while we suffer, or dole out atrocities to see how we cope. He loves us and as a loving God only gives us good gifts. And while it is true that bad things happen to good people all the time and our world is often filled with evil and heartache, these are the result of choices made by us or others as humans, not by Him. And for some reason we like to blame Him! We get mad at God for the things that go wrong in this world. We blame Him for the pain and suffering in our lives and the lives of others we find blameless. And worse, we often cheer at the misfortune of those we don't like and nod our heads knowingly that God must have fixed them.

But God cries for it all. He cries when we cry and He hurts when we hurt. He feels our pain and sorrow and He can't wait for the day He can take us out of this mess and bring us home! He longs for your heart to be happy and for your soul to be filled with joyful song! He wants for us to flourish and thrive and forever in His love to abide! We each and every one have a perfect purpose to make this world a better place. To create love and joy. To spread His love to everyone! To live, and laugh, and love! And anytime that joy is stolen from us or ripped from our hearts, He cries and bleeds with us.

So why do we blame Him? Why do we turn on Him so quickly? Honestly, there is no good answer for this. Maybe because He is safe; we know no matter how much we turn on Him, He will be right there waiting when we need Him. Or maybe we really do not understand God and that He only gives us goodness and love. Regardless of the reasons, we bring God into, and blame Him for, so many things that have absolutely nothing to do with Him.

I like to share a story that I heard long ago that eloquently shows what we do and the ere of our ways.

There was a man and his wife who were happy and in love. But they had one problem. You see the husband was a good man and a hard worker but he worked in a place that was, well to be blunt, miserable. And no matter how hard he tried to please his bosses or do a great job, it never seemed to make a difference. Day in and day out he would come home discouraged or upset and he would tell his woes to his attentive wife. She felt awful for him and listened to his every complaint and problem and offered to help in anyway she could. With kindness and love she supported him and often asked what she might do to help. He would always thank her and acknowledge there wasn't much beyond the love and support she was giving that she could do. But nothing changed and the poor man continued to deal with work related issues. One day he came home particularly upset. He ranted and complained to his loving wife for quite some time. When he finished, his ever eager to help wife asked as usual if there was something she could do or what was he going to do. To her surprise he answered that he knew exactly what to do! He was going to divorce her!

You might be shaking your head or smiling at the ridiculousness of this story and the decision the man made. But isn't that what we often do to God?

God has nothing to do with the chaos and pain in this world. That all came about because of a choice made by a man and woman long ago. And every bad and evil thing that has happened since then has been a direct or indirect result of more and more bad choices we as a human race have made. God had nothing to do with any of it! In fact, if it weren't for Jesus coming to die and give us all the power of choice, we would be doomed to live this life and when it ended, it would truly be the end. Now because we can choose to have more, to live again, to have a do over, to live without the consequences of the poor and awful choices that have been made, we can choose to do better, live better, and be able to live happily and eternally as we were created and intended. But that was a gift. It was something given with no strings attached. What we do with that gift is still our choice. So don't throw it away!

Does God say no to our prayers and questions? At times, absolutely! But always when it is in your best interest. And He never ever gives us bad things or rips good things away from us.

So the next time your heart is sad or breaking please remember, His heart is breaking too. And when you are tempted to lash out in anger and turn your back on or "divorce" God, please remember the little story I shared. God isn't the problem, He loves you more then you could ever imagine, and He will never leave you or forsake you!

Why

My daughter came home from school today with a pained look about her. As soon as I looked into her beautiful eyes I knew. Someone had broken her heart. Without an audible word, as her heart sobbed in silence, she handed me a neatly folded note. There slowly and with hesitation the words spelled out what she had been afraid of for a short while...

Her boyfriend of almost a year was breaking up with her. As my eyes rose from the paper in my hands to meet with her eyes once more, my own heart sobbed along in silence with hers. I knew her pain all too well. I had been in her place. And as I wrapped my arms around her in the hopes of comforting her trembling soul, she softly with tear stained voice asked a question  ... "Why?"

Why....

If I could have even a penny for how many times I have been asked that question by the six children I have raised, or by the hundreds of children I babysat,  helped, or taught I would be quite rich indeed. In the best of times, even in the mediocre of times, I often enjoy the question. But this was not one of those times.

This time it was from a heart broken in bits on the ground, startled and shattered by the instant that can oft betray or change ones' life forever. It was from innocence, disbelief, and betrayal. It was and is a pain that I know all too well and feel to my very core whenever those I care about and love experience it. And I hate it!!

Hate because I have no real answer. I have nothing that can explain or really make one understand. Try as I might I have never been able to make sense out of senseless acts.

Of course I could give some canned answer, some flowery ditty about pain making us stronger. Or perhaps some lovely poem about not giving up or pressing on. And to be sure there are Bible verses, songs, essays, books, and various other words sacred to some or most that give one strength or courage to gather up their shattered life or heart and try to mend it again. I could tell her there are other fish in the sea or how if it is meant to be it will be.... But will it? Do any of these really give an answer?

Why is it the world is so harsh? Why are so many hearts broken? Why can't relationships last and friendships stay true?  Why is there selfishness and greed? Why do feelings fade as cloth in the sun's rays?

And yes, I know the Bible and the story of how we got here. But does it really answer the question?

As I hold her tight in hopes of providing her some strength and comfort, I earnestly and desperately claw through the archives of my mind for an answer. Some where some how along the way I must have gathered an answer, key, map, or clue. This is what comes...

Because....

Because we get so wrapped up in our own lives and worries we forget the other moving things about us have feelings too. Because we allow our feelings to fade. Because we forget that love and friendship do not just keep happening, they are often a choice. Because we try and work hard for money and power but get lazy in love and kindness. Because we make decisions quickly and without enough thought and make changes out of need without considering those affected by them. Because we allow things to fester and when we become poisonous and infected we blame others and force them to deal with our mess. Because at times we are young and stupid. Because the world changes and we let it change us as well. Because...

As true as all that might be, does it really help?

It would if most of us tried to be more careful with those around us. If we were to keep promises, choose to have integrity, and continue to choose to love and care for those you have asked into your life. But there is one "because" that stands out more then all the rest...

Because life is not what is was meant to be.

And as long as we live on this earth, love will be fickle, passions will fade, hearts will be broken, promises forgotten, friendships lost, and souls will be crushed.

One day though we will be in a place where life will be as it should be. Love will last eternally, passions will soar, hearts will swell from joy and contentment, promises will bind, friendships thrive, and souls will be indestructible!

I do not know when that day will be. But it will be.

I hold my daughter closely and I whisper in her ear, " I may not know why, but I do know this..."

~~~~~~~

"And God shall wipe away all tears from their eyes; 

and there shall be no more death, neither sorrow, nor crying, 

neither shall there be any more pain: 

for the former things are passed away." Rev. 21:4

Needy

"When you ask how I am, it comes across as needy and it is unattractive!" ...those words hit me like the discharge of a skunk. Putrid, overwhelming, and foul, the words filled the air with a smell not easily escaped. I sat stunned for a second from both shock and amazement.

Before me sat a person I had spent fifteen years of my life loving, accommodating, coddling, and appeasing. When difficult times arose I would bravely face the problems alone and carry the load no matter how heavy or painful, all the while protecting and shielding this person with what at times seemed my last breath. When conflict came I helped them, by coaxing and pleading, to communicate and enable change to emerge. I supported, cared for, stood up for, cooked for, cleaned for, created a loving sense of family for, and nursed them when they fell ill. I couldn't tell you how many hours I spent helping them with their school work and problems in life. I dealt with moodiness, whining, immaturity, and at times extreme selfishness.  I was always there putting them way above my own needs and wants. And I am the needy one?

Thoughts raced through my head as my memory shouted its' records. I wondered how it is in this twisted mind that has been in need of so much love, patiences, maturity, and long suffering  that that label could even be uttered in regard to someone else. Was it self hatred that loathed any one who dare care? Was it a poor upbringing that led to this delusion? Or has society become so tarnished that to care is needy and to be selfish is strength?

As time has passed, I often think of the look on their face, the disdain in their voice, and the sneer on their lips. Their words were dipped in selfishness and neediness. The need to tear down a good soul. The need to damage a good heart so their own feels more at ease. The need to control the world around them not realizing that if the world were to be as they deem, no one would care. Never once realizing that the selfish people in this world are truly the neediest people of all!

For they are the ones that need someone to tolerate them, to support them, look out for them, love them even though they may never get that love back. They need others to clean up their messes, wipe their brow, give them a break, shield them, and be a shoulder to cry on. Most of all they need someone they can trust! And believe me, no one selfish would do that for another person ever unless there was something they could gain.... and can you really call that trust?

And maybe this is the problem. Maybe if we gathered up all the truly selfish needy people in the world and forced them to live together, maybe at some point they would learn. Perhaps after dealing with other people who are truly needy, they would figure out what "needy" really is. If all of us who are the opposite of needy, the ones who care for everyone else, the souls who cry and suffer alone, the truly strong ones, were to stop throwing our pearls before swine, maybe then the swine would cease to be.

I do not know

I do know I am the extreme opposite of needy. I carry burdens and loads far heavier and painful then the world around me would ever know. And while I do this, I smile genuinely, laugh purely, love fiercely, protect my world with my life, and all often with a song in my heart or on my lips. I do not whine or complain, do not put my needs before others, and am loyal to a fault. I have been knocked about in this life many many times, yet I rise from the ashes still loving and kind.

Kindness despite mistreatment and misfortune takes courage and strength. Love even when betrayed and taken advantage of takes a heart pure and truly otherworldly. And a good soul surrounded by evil, heartache, and pain yet remains good and true takes a soul of unfathomable worth, for it is a soul that can not be bought or sold. All these are signs of strength and indipendance.

No dear soul, needy does not describe me!

It may describe you. It may describe the way you choose to see the world. It may describe many other people in this world. But you need to examine the truly needy souls in life. For they are not the ones that care despite their own needs. They are the ones who can not spare kindness or love for fear. They are the ones who lash out in immaturity and poison uncaring of the effects on the world about them. They are the sad souls who miss out on so much goodness right before them because of their yet unfulfilled destiny to evolve into the creatures God intended them to truly be.

So the next time my dear one you want to call someone needy, think long and hard about who and what that really means.

Dancing Lessons in the Storm

Almost since I can remember I have been learning. Thankfully it is something that, either because of my upbringing or personality, I often truly enjoy. There are many lessons learned however that I have never been that found of. Those are the ones I gained through pain, sorrow, misery, heartache, embarrassment, losing someone or something, and stress.

The past five years have been a lesson indeed though, to be honest, I am not always sure what lessons I am to glean. Sometimes I am afraid that in all the hurt, stress, and sorrow I may miss the lesson for the pain.

This is frightening to me because I am a firm believer that once a lesson is learned, you move on. However, if the lesson is not yet learned, it will come around again until you realize and not only learn, but put your new found knowledge to use. I do not want to repeat uncomfortable situations. Nor do I want to repeat mistakes. Sometimes I panic and feel that if I just hurry up and learn the lesson, I can emerge from the mire.

Then I realized something. I am always doing that! I push through and rush on, stubbornly pressing on to overcome, learn, fix, patch, conquer, and squelch any and all problems that come into my life or the life of those I love and care for. Maybe just maybe THAT is my lesson.

Maybe I need to learn to have peace and calm IN the storm. Perhaps within the storm is my answer, my still small voice. Could it be my lesson is to learn to dance in the rain? To sleep through the storm? To have so much love, joy, and peace within that no storm can rile me?

I look back over my life and I realize that every time something negative has happened, I lower my head, wrap those I love in my arms, and head strong, push through. I don't really stop to rest or even breath. Do I get through? Absolutely! But at what cost?

I am in a storm. One that threatens to smash my soul upon the rocks. To steal my child like faith. To crush my passion and love. Panic, anger, fear, sorrow, and urgency are awakened within me. I am betrayed, used, hurt and lost. I long to run headlong into the fight, punching my way through the fray, conquering all in my way, and coming out on the other side victorious!

At last though I pause...

IF I conquer, what is lost? If I battle, what do I slay? And if I constantly fight, what toll will it take on my health, person, my soul? A light seems to filter into my mind and heart. I think of a movie I once watched where someone realized that everything is perception. What you choose to believe is often so. And most importantly, you control more then you often realize.

And so, though with fear and uncertainty, I am learning to stand my ground. I am learning to truly find peace in the storm. I am finding things don't have to be so scary when you hold on to His hand. I am learning to draw my lines where I am. To face the rage without fear or urgency. Seeing things for what they really are and how, in the scheme of this vast universe, small and insignificant they will soon become. As the bullets fly about me, I am slowing down, thinking, praying, pausing, and sometimes most difficult and important... breathing.

 Am I frightened? At times almost petrified! This is not my style! I fight by jumping, zig-zagging, creeping, crawling, running, smashing, crashing, and quickly conquering. It seems though a new lesson is to be learned. One where I stand my ground. Where I flee no more. A lesson that takes more strength then before, for now I must face with calm clarity the beast before me. I will have to be more aware and precise. My mind must be at peace and calm. Decisions made need be weighed carefully with a clear mind and peaceful heart. None of these are easy in battle. It is much easier to fight or,I believe for some, to hide. But that is not dancing in the rain, it is not sleeping through the storm. There is no peace or calm, only fear and angst.

So I am putting this battle into slow motion. I am carefully weighing every move and action. I am taking time to breath and laugh, to love and connect, to cherish and create. And though there are times I am not sure I can stand another minute, I can dodge another bullet, I pause. And then I see an encouraging post from a friend, something that makes me laugh, beauty in the eyes of those about me, a message of love or hope received, a rainbow in the sky above me, a beautiful moon that wraps me in its' soft glow, a bible verse I remembered just because, or a song that makes me feel invincible. Then I realize my table is spread before me in the presence of my enemies yet I will fear no evil. I can not control the storm about me, but I control the one I am within.

So while the calm days with warm sun rays and scented breezes are enjoyed, I am learning to enjoy my storms too. I do not have this lesson learned as of yet and I do not know if I will ever be so blessed as to fully enjoy myself through the conflicts of life. But I love to laugh, I love to smile, I love to feel peace, and I love to dance! So, when the storms do unleash their rage about me, I pray I can sleep through the rage and dance in the storm.

My Ripples

When I was a child my father filled a bucket with water. He then called his three children to his side and said "Now stick your hand in there and splash it around!!" So we did with much joy and glee. Then he said "Now take your hands out" Once again we followed his instructions and waited with anticipation of what would come next, after all this was fun! "Now" he said, "where is the hole?" We looked at him with puzzled faces. Why would we look for a hole? Of course there would not be a hole. Why would there? "Ah!" he continued, "there is no hole! And that is how life is. You can work hard and make a splash, but in the end, things will be as they were before you. There will be no hole left when you are gone. So remember, you are replaceable."

Our happy faces soon turned to puzzled ones as we were dismissed. And our demeanors had gone from joyful to serious. But I never forgot that lesson at my father's side and sadly for many years I believed it.

Until one day I read a book and realized, there may not be a hole but what a lot of things waves, ripples, and drops caused by all that splashing can do. In fact there is no telling how far reaching these might be. Yet, I still had so much more to learn! And tonight I realized one of them.

While I may have realized I can live my life in such a way that I am not replaceable, I did not realize after a life of believing I was, I have surrounded myself with many people that treat me as if I am. People that take me for granted. People that do not really believe I am priceless, valuable, and irreplaceable. And tonight, after years of hurting because of their treatment, I realized it is my fault. Oh! Do not mis-understand! I take no responsibility for their carelessness with my heart, love, and devotion! That is not with-in my control and is totally their fault. But I kept letting them do it!

I cried and tried to change them and their thinking over and over! I blamed myself for being too fat, too unattractive, too needy, too passionate, too naive, too romantic, too stubborn, too straight, ... And I was right, it was my fault! But not for any of those reasons. It was because I allowed them to keep doing it to me!

They did it to me!! And I hurt and cried and suffered... I plead, and begged, and coaxed... I struggled, and fell, and became crushed.... And I stayed... I stayed... And I let them do it over and over and over!

Not just for seconds, minutes, hours, days, weeks, or months....but for years!!!!

I did that....

I allowed that....

And I am not sure how to change it

I am not sure changing it will make things over all better or worse.


But I am sure I am going to learn to never ever let anyone treat me less then who I really am. I must not let them smoother the passion, joy, love, desire, romance, whimsy, and laughter from my chest!! They must not silence my true voice!!

They may shout " There is no hole"

In reply I will smile and laugh with pure love and joy and reply " Yes, that is true!! But now everything is wet!! And just try to stop my ripples!!!!"

Cavities

A birthday came round the other day, as they tend to every now and then in a family with eight people. Since it was the birthday of an adult, and no real party was to take place, we went to a store and every child was allowed the treat of picking a small bag of candy each and an ice cream. With smiles and giggles at such a fun treat we all made our way to the check out counter. Excitedly, one of the youngest placed the small shopping basket on the counter and smiled in happy anticipation as the clerk began to scan the goodies. You would have thought the joy and excitement would have been apparent and contagious but instead the clerk looked at the sweet happy innocent face and said "oh boy, someone is going to have a lot of cavities!" All smiles vanished and sad confused looks crept into their place. I quickly and firmly, in as polite a manner as possible, gave a stern reprimand conveying that this was a birthday celebration, we were a big family, and this was a once in a while treat.

Never mind the fact that my kids hardly ever have soda, drink a ton of water, are vegetarian, have no sugary cereals, and as of last dental check up, my kids and I do not have a single cavity. Forget the fact that this person is not a doctor or health worker, does not know me or my family, and was never asked for advice or his opinion, I realized I had fond a cavity.

This cavity is one most do not notice or do anything about. You can not go to a dentist, and no amount of brushing or flossing will prevent or help correct this gap in people's thought process.

You see we were at a store where a lot of alcohol is sold. In fact the customers behind us were buying three cases of beer. Yet not once have I heard a store clerk say "Oh boy, I see someone wants to kill some more brain cells!" or "Oh boy, I see someone wants to go act like a fool!" or "Oh boy. I see you want to add to the chances of crime, stupidity, violence and death in the world!" or "Oh boy, I see someone is going to have liver problems!" I wonder how much alcohol they would sell then or how many customers they would  have. Yet how true those statements would be!

But nothing was said, nor have I ever heard such things said. I have heard people telling those overweight what they do and do not need to be eating and when, I have heard complete strangers tell children with candy that they will have cavities, I have heard carnivores telling vegetarians that they are weird and what they eat is gross (what could be more discusting then eating a dead animal, many of which are covered in feces as a bonus?). I have also heard people who drink asking people who don't if they are alcoholics and if not why they don't drink.

What is missing in our collective thinking? What type of crater has been created by a society were fiction, not fact, determines what we speak out against and what we choose to ignore. This is dangerous. Just like a cavity in your mouth, this type of thinking can grow, rot, become infected, and before you know it can create a  whole chain of problems.

So once home, while we all enjoyed our special treats and the important day, it was not cavities in my children's teeth I worried about. Instead it was the collective cavity in our society that I felt the need to protect not only our children, but our entire family from.

A Saturday

Some thirty odd years ago on a Saturday perhaps much like this one, I was born. There was not much warning and, according to my mother, hardly any pain. By all accounts I was beautiful, wide eyed, and far more aware then any other baby this doctor had seen. And he had seen his share for he delivered my mother some twenty odd years before and I am sure many in the years between. My big eyes followed every movement and studied the faces around me as I drank in everything in seemly quiet study, so quietly in fact that the doctor was afraid that something may be wrong and proceeded to poke me until I finally peeped a small but very communicative protest and he smiled and left me alone.

When I had surveyed everything about me, it seemed I realized that something was missing, someone was not there. In my anguish, I began to cry uncontrollably and would not be comforted by those around. I only slept when I fell into an exhausted slumber after crying for hours. In reality, I cried myself to sleep, and did so for the entire first week after my birth. Mother could not sooth me, grandmother had no success. Grandfather's beautiful singing and whistling were of no consequence, and doctors were puzzled. And then as suddenly as it began the crying stopped the moment my father returned and lifted me in his arms for the first time. You see the man I had grown to know and love, who I thought would protect me and love me in return was not there when I was born, and I knew it and was broken hearted that he had left me all alone in this new and uncharted place.

Oh he had made attempts to be there when I was born. He had come home for two weeks around my due date and he and mother had tried everything to ensure I would come...when it was convenient for him. You see my father loved my mother and me probably the very best he knew how. But the way he was raised did not lend to him knowing much about love and fatherhood and sadly he never seemed to realize that what he knew was lacking and because of that he never really tried to learn. His first and true love was his work, and he was good at it. In fact in all the years (and at times they seem a hundred fold to what they are) I have wondered the earth, I have met a lot of people in my father's profession and in all honesty, he is one of the very best in the world. This was wonderful for all those to whom he rendered his professional services to. But to those of us who really knew and loved him, it meant we were always second at best. So he tried to be there, as the story goes. In reality however, he tried to make me there when it was best for him. As the universe would have it, or perhaps as my stubborn soul would have it, I did not enter on que and was born without my father there.

Once I realized he was gone, my little heart broke and I cried and wailed, mourning a loss my soul as of yet had no other way to articulate but in cries of sadness and grief.

The moment he returned and held me and told me he was there once more, my crying ceased and I was one of the happiest, easiest, and well behaved babies many had ever seen. I thought everything would be ok from that day forward because my daddy, my protector, the only man I really knew and loved, was there with me. And I had no fear, no sadness, no worries for a short time. And life was bliss.

Now it is my birthday. There is no parade. No real warning. No special holiday. No presidential address. And I try my hardest always to cause as little pain as possible. And I am born again. My soul is beautiful and wide eyed. It is quiet and aware. As I drink in my surroundings in quiet study, some may think I am not ok. And I will allow a communicative protest.....

I begin to cry. No one seems to know why. But I realize the man I love the most is not here and I mourn his absence. You see his first love is his game. He doesn't know it, and would probably deny it. But those who love him and truly know him would tell you in a moment without hesitation. And he tried to celebrate my birthday, when it was convenient for him. He did everything he could to make it the most wonderful and special birthday ever. But the universe did not allow it. My birthday did not come. It came today. I am in a world where every day brings a new world and without him I feel lonely and afraid to face it. Uncharted and new, a day and year begin once more. Once more I am alone.

And the man I love the most is not here.

And so I mourn.

Once again it is a Saturday, it is my birthday, the man that I love is with his first love, and I am alone.

Some one hundred years from now, if we are still on this earth, perhaps on a Saturday much like this one, I will die.

There may not be any warning and I hope there will be no pain. I hope my soul was beautiful by all accounts and my eyes were wide open to the world and goodness around me. I pray my big eyes followed all that was pure and that I studied faces and movements about me. May I have been far more aware then most. Not always quiet , and some may still think something was wrong with me, but this time because of the joy, love, passion, and kindness with which I drank everything in. And I trust in a quiet firm way I protested all that was wrong.

Once again it is perhaps a Saturday, it is my dying day,  I do not know where the man that I love is, but I hope I am not alone.

Success

Most people I know have a need and deep seeded desire to do one thing, succeed. The problem? What does that word really mean and who defines it? I mean one could take the easy way out and let Ms. Webster define it, or even more often let others around you define it. But what is it really? I have met many people from all walks of life and find that when they are asked this question the answers are as varied as the people.

Some will say having money is success, others will say a prestigious job. And I have heard a gamete of others; fame, love, children, education, partners, properties, toys, experiences, acquaintances, sexual encounters, adoration, praise, being published, being known, social circles, societies, memberships, travels, food, shelter, freedom, abolishment of others or ideas, laws made, laws broken, evil undetected, evil conquered, clothes, things, owning, being owned, marriage, winning, hoarding, control, and the list is infinite.


But the truth I have found is that none of these are true success in any one's mind. Oh you might shake your head and strongly disagree, but please wait and hear me out.

The reason why there are so many different things that represent success to just as many different people is not because they are different in the way we casually think. It is due to the things they value, the societies they grew up in, the things they found lacking, what they admired, and ultimately what they grew to believe was of highest importance. And the way they came to these surmising are just as unique as each person, but the true reason is not.

The real reason we want to, long to, must succeed is ....
because we need to feel we mattered.

We need to feel, and if at all possible know, that as tiny specks on this grand planet in this vast universe and the great and splendid beyond, we made our mark, we did something that mattered, and that our life thus has value and meaning more then a mere flower that has bloomed and died. That we did not just live and die but our life had meaning and worth. And thus I am forced to realize that to succeed is not a mere word or description in a book full of explanations, but the soul crying out, " I was here and I mattered". And we all need that feeling for nothing leads to despair more quickly then the feeling of worthless existence.

With this new vision and take on a word so often thrown out and about in judgment and categorization, I now do not dismiss this as a frivolous generic word. I see it instead as a very real part of humanity and who we are as a species. Because of this I look at success as so much more and handle other's view of it as sacred to them and try my best not to trample or destroy it. For to do so is to destroy and possibly ruin the soul's chance to leave in peace when the time has come and not only leave in peace but leave with a satisfaction that the life they had, whether hard or easy, mattered.

And so I go out among you, fellow creatures and souls, wrapped in understanding and wish you all the very best and greatest success you can find!

Home

I have always loved that saying "home is where the heart is". Yet as of late I am not sure where my heart lives. I know I love to live where my children play, imagine, laugh, and love in safety. Where my husband's arms hold me. Where my dreams have room to thrive and grow. And I use to think that where ever these things were, my heart would call home. But as I wander the earth and move from building to building I find they feel less and less like a home and more and more like a passage to another life, time, and place.

I was thrilled beyond words when my husband bought me this beautiful gem of a cozy home nestled up against majestic pines and grand trees! I could not wait to decorate and make it ours! I dreamt and planned! My husband pitched in and helped with the painting and building of this and that to feather our nest. I was planning on living in this house for a least ten years and hoped maybe by some chance I could keep it forever.

Then reality of life came calling and I now know I most likely will only have a life in this building for maybe two more years, after which I will need to sell or leave it behind. And suddenly the passion and energy I had to make my mark on this mere en-closer of mortar and beams faded quickly away. It seems but hollow joy to add my touches and marks.

I know from experience that making a building feel like a home has benefits far beyond description or simple mentioning. It makes one feel at peace and secure to open and enter such a place and gives a sense of belonging which few other experiences can match. It is wonderful to go from stark walls and bare often uninviting interiors to ones that cheer and beckon one to enjoy. A lurking shadow always seems to hover though when you know tis but for a spell.

I admire those who move from place to place and quickly, it often seems almost instantly, make the barest of structures a home. And I want to do this and I plan to achieve it. When the time comes however, I find myself dreading the effort and passion I must outlay knowing it is only to be left behind or worse, destroyed. Each time I move I vow to make the next place the best coziest place I can, and at times I succeed. But I find the more I move, the less gumption I seem to have to accomplish the task. And so it takes me longer and longer to complete the mission only to have me wishing I had finished it sooner so we could have enjoyed it just a tad bit longer, and all the while my heart yearns for a home. A respite. A place to create and enjoy. A building filled with memories and dreams. A structure that protects from more then wind and rain. A porch where I can rock and watch the years go by with my husband by my side and a seasonal wondrous drink in one hand and and the hand of my lover in the other. And as the grey creeps slowly across our crowns, the laugh lines deepen, and eyes sparkle more from memory then sight, I want to be in a building that echos and reverberates with joy and love, laughter and tears, smiles and frowns, hugs and tumbles, meals shared and alone. Where no matter where I look with eyesight dimmed, I can see the face and smile of a loved one there.

And maybe the saying is right. Maybe you only need to have the heart to make a place a home. But my well traveled heart longs for a little more and so now I must look to see where my heart is so I can at last be at peace in my home.

Seriously?

There are so many things of late that have me amazed and confused and never in a good way! They leave me almost speechless, which for me is shocking in itself, and I find myself in a confused wonderment thinking "Seriously?". Am I the only one that sees these things or has a problem with them?
One of men's favorite excuses for why they are not loving and passionate in their relationships is that they are just not expressive of their emotions. Women are, they are not, so we should just suffer quietly and happily believing that you are completely and totally loved just because they pay the bills and tell you in passing that they love you (and this is often in response to you or someone else saying it first!). They are so good at making us feel like nagging selfish needy people if we beg for a cuddle or kiss on occasion that is genuine and we feel awful and degraded for having to beg or prod for something so basic and needed that we begin to believe that we are less and worthless. But I went to a quiet eatery one day. In there were two men I had seen before. Both are quiet and reserved business men who I am sure make the above claims all the time. On the televisions all around the World Cup Soccer Tournament was on. The men sat in opposite corners glued to the game. I fear if we had been attacked in that moment they both would have died! Anyway, these men were so zoned into the game they became totally oblivious to anything else around them. They clenched their fist, groaned, made crazed faces, waved their arms like the insane, and jumped up and down yelling like they were on fire. They did not care who saw them or what they missed. They did not care what other game may have been on or if the phone rang. They became enamoured and fixated on this one thing and gave this thing more attention and passion then I imagine those closest to them ever receive and publicly which I am willing to bet they are ashamed and "unable" to do for their life partner. But we are supposed to believe they are incapable of passion and expressing themselves.....!?!?!? SERIOUSLY?
Christianity. Sadly second only to men, this group have me saying all kinds of amazed and tortured words and phrases on a regular basis. However there are two things of late that .... well let me just explain. You see the Bible is something I know a lot about. It teaches to love everyone, to do unto others only that which you would want them to do to you, and to hate the sin but love the sinner. The two greatest commandments that all those who claim to believe in the bible are supposed to follow no matter what are, love the Lord with all your heart and your neighbor as yourself. But the worst (and best) people I have ever known are Christian. Lately, a group claiming Christianity has been picketing and protesting against homosexuals and those in the military. They use all kinds of words from the bible in twisted and out of context ways to help them promote their poison and hate. They even go to the memorial services and funerals of those who gave their lives in the war to spew their ugliness for all to suffer and see. Ironically these same people died protecting what gives them the ability to spew. They totally forget the many many parts of the bible that show no one is perfect, all have sinned, and that we are to love everyone, and we should hate the sin but love the sinner. But somehow they are above the very man they claim to follow, Jesus. And whatever He did or taught does not apply to them, only in a weird and misconstrued way to others. And these people are going to Heaven a place of peace, joy, love, beauty, and splendor and we should want to go with them, to live, eternally, ....SERIOUSLY?!?!
The second is those against homosexuals having the legal rights of marriage. Now I am not homosexual, I do not believe it is they way things are intended. If someone were to ask me if I think it is "right" I would reply "according to whom?". You see I was raised a Christian. So I was taught it is not the way God intended. However, there are a ton of things in the world that are not as God intended! Fortunately since I am not a homosexual I do not need to figure out what is wrong or right about it because it is a personal issue much the same as what religion or life path one chooses. I do not have to live with the choices or inner desires so how can I judge? So now the ones who think they are dyed and true Christians will throw up their hands. But why? If I want to follow my beliefs and convictions, as long as they are not physically harming others, shouldn't I give the same courtesy to others? Who gets to decide which god is real and right? who gets to decided if there is one at all? Who should be able to pick what religious book to follow or if we should even follow one? And I think the thing that bothers me the most.... Jesus, the son of the God many claim to believe in, came and died to do one thing and one thing only. To give everyone choice. Some say he came to save us. no not true. Just because he died does not mean we are all going to heaven, it is not an automatic, a given. Others say he came to teach us. Well he did teach us. But if that had been the sole reason he could have just returned to heaven without all the torture and agony of being crucified. Others say it was to pay our debt, well yes, but why? ... Ah! There it is again! He died to give us a choice! I know I know, now others are saying that is was to give us a good choice only, a choice to go to heaven. Wrong again, for if that were the case it would not be a choice it would be an automatic, we would just all go. He, the son of God, wanted so badly to preserve our ability to choose ( for those bible people out there remember the tree in the garden was a choice too) for good or bad that he died for it. .... let that just sink in to your heart and mind for a moment. It was so important to Him that he died to ensure we would always have a choice, regardless of what the choice would be, He wanted that for us. And then we who claim to love and follow him want to take away or ensure others do not have a choice because we as mere mortals are so wise and all knowing that we know it is a choice they should not have?!?!?!? SERIOUSLY?
And why do some people use things that happen to their group or race as an excuse for their current miserable existence? Granted terrible things have happened that should never ever happen within the human race! But using them for an excuse later on is a sad testament to what a person is made of and how they have let the horrible act win control over their life. I have never seen Christians use the fact that they were thrown to lions, burned at the stake, and slaughtered by the thousands as a reason for living in a way they shouldn't today. I have never heard Jews claiming the Holocaust as a reason they do not succeed or why they may not have a good life now. I do not remember Japanese Americans becoming fall down drunks because they were rounded up and placed in camps, most of whom lost most of what they had worked hard to build and create. Australians running about like hoodlums because they were all prisoners and banished from their home is not what I saw when I went there a few years back. And Koreans after being raped, enslaved, mistreated, and their country name changed by those evil people who to this day claim they "helped" them, do not wander about aimlessly involved in drugs, prostitution, and riots because of what happened to them. Yet there are other groups who were enslaved and horribly mistreated and years later so many of them live in a way that is not an honor to the good possibilities of human kind nor a good reflection on their own group but it is because of the atrocities brought against their ancestors, or so they say. I have seen an incredible group of people. They were amazing! I admire so much of who they were and the skills and lives they had. SO much was taken from them and so many were killed that it will forever leave an ugly mark on history. But they could return back to so much of what they were. Instead they sit in pity and marinate in losses until they only want to drink their sorrows away and instead of being beautiful and strong they are bitter and drunk. Then so many of my own people run around in gangs and deal in drugs. Living in filthy neighborhoods and becoming violent evil people all of which is blamed on no one helping them and getting them out of poverty. I look in horror at what some choose to become and what wonderful things others became after similar or worse circumstances and it leaves me frustrated, angry, sad, amazed, and asking..... Seriously??
I saw a commercial on military television the other day that showed a woman walking to her home alone instead of with her assigned "buddy" who is a man, she gets attacked, then saved by two men who ask her why she is not with a buddy. When she says she did not think she needed one she is chastised and asked what was she thinking. Then the announcer (a man) says you can prevent sexual assault and you must do your part. Never mind the attacker could have been her buddy in the first place since he is a man, or the fact that a woman walking alone is NOT the cause for sexual assault. When I saw this commercial making the woman out to be dumb and the cause for a sexual assault I felt as if I had been thrown into a time warp and sent back in time. I mean .... SERIOUSLY?
Perhaps all these things should just be added to the "whatever" column in life. After all there are always going to be things that happen which challenge our patience and sense of ethics not to mention our integrity and intellect. But sometimes things just take you so off guard and for a moment, if not longer, I find myself at a loss for words. In those situations I just can not seem to help saying.... Seriously?

Part of the Whole

There are so many things that make up the whole of me. Many I know, some I may never know. But of these I am sure.
Passion. I am full of it! The things I believe in, I believe in whole heartily! Things I disapprove of I do so with a vengeance! I love passionately and sometimes those I should not or those who have not made themselves worthy of love, mine or other's. I talk with passion, laugh with passion, care with passion, dream with passion, despise with passion, protect with passion, argue with passion (and my can I!!), and try my best to live with passion.
Empathy. I feel it in my very being for others and even for those of supposed existence. I can imagine how someone feels just by hearing or reading what happened to them. And movies can be torture for me because I feel what the person should or would feel if it was real. My empathy goes not only for humankind but nature and all its' creatures as well. I am distraught over the lack of empathy in most people today and nothing can bring out the worst in me (or best?) faster then someone bullying or hurting someone else for thrills or just because they can.
And speaking of the worst... Temper. Yes, I have one of those for sure!! It takes a lot to trigger it but if it is really triggered, heaven helps us all! But it is not all bad because sometimes it is my anger or indignation that gets me motivated to make changes or do things to improve my surroundings.
Procrastination.
...as I was saying, I love it! It is a great way to pause throughout life and breath. Obviously if used too often it can get in the way of a productive life. But in a time when we want to fill every nano-second of our lives with something productive or at least considered productive by our societies, it is good to take a moment for, well, nothing!
A Dreamer. Day Dreaming, as it is called, is very important. To me it is like the soul exhaling, taking something from inside of you and putting it out into the universe. While it can not be seen, it is a vital part of living. And just as when we exhale with gusto we can move, inflate, or give wings to things so dreaming with passion moves things and gives shape and wings to our soul. As the dreams materialize our souls find another way to immortalize a part of themselves. I have been a dreamer almost since I can remember. It began as a part of my imagination and a way to quietly pass time or escape uncomfortable situations. Now I dream often. I dream of the near future and the far off eternity. I plan, research, work, and fight for a chance and way to fulfill the many dreams I have. Sometimes there are detours and sometimes alterations, but always the dreams are cherished and kept alive as my soul breaths.
Imaginative. Never has there been a lack of imagination in my soul. This is a great part of my ability for empathy and dreaming. I have a love hate relationship with my imagination in all honesty. When I am able to discover an unique way to solve a problem or make a point I am thrilled. It further allows me to see other's point of view and I believe thus helps me to be a better person. But past the fun and help it also gives me pain when I can foresee the worst in a person or situation or feel the agony of an injured ant or fellow human. I can imagine with fierceness the pain of someone who looses a loved one or the fear in a person or animal being mistreated or bullied. The most horrific and ugly the world has to offer I can sense and feel and this I often wish I could shut off or live without. Not that I would want to be non-empathetic or calloused, I just feel my own sufferings are enough to shoulder and I would rather not bare anymore. Wimpy of me? Perhaps. But honest? If only you could imagine.
Music Lover. You probably wonder why I would put this here. Music is more often thought of as a passion or interests and even a profession. But a part of someone? Well I can only speak for myself. For me music, along with passion and love, are the oxygen my soul breaths. How can music be such an necesary part of a soul? I am not sure. I have my theories. Suffice to say though that for me it is a very real and needed part of who I am.
A Lover. Of many things and people. I love deep and passionately and often too freely. While I always want to love others truly and with passion, I Find this more often a fault then a strength. I give more then I ever receive and while it is more blessed to give then to receive, there are boundaries to that thought process and when you only give but do not receive in kind you become a well that dries up and in the end has nothing but dust to give.
Opinionated. Is there a stronger word? Because if there is I should use that instead! There are some things I just cling to as necessary and so. Are they? Well I think so!!! Like, do not complain of others or things if you do them yourself! Do not say something unless you honestly know what you are talking about! There is no double standard for genders! Don't bring your god into godless things! Please do not hide behind things especially religion!! Do unto others, always!!! Laughter is never good or real if at some one's expense! A gift should be given not loaned and something the receiver wants not what the giver wants other wise calling it a gift is a bit of a stretch! And so on... Are these flexible, if you can make a good argument as to why they should change, perhaps. But more likely not. Is this a good thing? In most cases yes, but I often think about it to try and ensure how I use it remains a positive because I have seen what non-empathetic and disrespectful opinionated people can become and I don't want to go there.
Interests. I have a ton of these. So varied and different yet all so me! to list everything that is of interest to me would take a chunk of time and even then, I may discover a new one five minutes after I finished telling you what they were....
Which leads me to another big part of who I am. Learning. I love to learn. And learning from my mistakes and other's are a big part of this ( though I prefer to learn from other's in this instance). Beyond life's lessons I enjoy various subjects. Not all subjects are of interest to me, but I am not sure I could learn enough to satisfy myself in even the most appealing of all subjects let alone all. And as I learn I discover more intriguing subjects and thus a constant circle and cycle of learning goes on... I hope for an eternity.
Eternity...yup I said that. I believe in eternity, and God, and love, and good vs evil, the bible and.... whoa!!! Had to catch ya there because it seemed you were jumping to conclusions which are often nothing but illusions. I am spiritual yes, religious to a degree yes, but in the ways most think, not even close. But that is another post (or two or...).
Stubborn. This quality/fault I have in proportions not often seen. Sometimes it is one of my greatest assets. Other times it is my worst. But as I grow I continue to try and learn to use it for good and thus make it a wonderful and highly valuable trait to have!
Patience. This I have too much of (or something that acts like patience). I take far more then I should. Wait for things way beyond sensibly. Sometimes I am frustrated with the amount of patience I have and wish it were less. ...or maybe I just need another trait to counter it and help balance it out.
Talking. One of my favorite things...but is this a trait or ....
Communicating. I am great at getting a point across, mine or another's, verbally or in writing. I am also able to shout volumes with my body language and make love to or kill someone with my eyes. I am also a very good listener. However, I need to work on being better heard and understood when it comes to my own needs and wants.
Reading Other's. Yup I am one of those! I can be around someone a very short amount of time and know exactly what kind of person they are and their intentions. Have I ever been wrong? Nope. The problem? I hate these gut reactions because I feel like a cranky old judge categorizing people and putting them in little boxes and I hate it. So what do I do? Second guess myself, every time, never fails. And you know what else never fails? I find out I was right and wish I had listened to that "gut" reaction. I once heard someone say " When someone shows you who they are believe them the first time." Well.... I am still working on that!
Depressed. Sometimes very. Other times, not so badly. I have a lot of tough things in my life (who doesn't) and I hold it all in to be "strong" for others and hold them through whatever it is. No one does this for me. They never in all my life have. I feel overwhelmed and alone. Pain mixed with insomnia leave me feeling very tired and old at times. My energy seems to vaporize and I feel trapped. This is not a good trait... I am working on it!
Strong. Beyond my wildest dreams. Yet my strength it seems has not impressed this universe (which is understandable with how small in the scheme of things I am) and it keeps handing me things to see how I handle something else. Why? I do not know. I am thankful for my strength for without it I am sure I would have died long ago (or gone crazy). Yet at times I wish I was not the strong one. For it is the strong ones everyone else leans on and goes to, but then who do we go to? Being strong is wonderful in ways for nothing is more rewarding then knowing you were there for someone when the times were rough and held them through whatever it was. You were the person you always wish were there for you but never is. And so it becomes bitter sweet. The sweetness of being a person you know you would admire and be thankful for, bitter because not only do you know there will be no such person for you but beyond that you are often hated for raising above and riding the waves of life with grace.
An Elephant. Did I just say an elephant? Yup! Why? Because I NEVER forget things. Is this good? My jury is still out on this (yes I have a jury...I deliberate all the time!). When it comes to learning, it is a gift! When it comes to bad things that have happened or cruel things people have said... not so great..... Whoop... Caughtcha! Admit it you were jumping again!
Forgiving. Ha! After the last post and that jumping you were doing I bet you were surprised to see this one next! But honestly, I am very forgiving. Often too quickly and too many many times. However, this paired with my memory actually works out because after someone does something repeatedly I will at some point draw the line, armed with the history to back myself in this decision that is hard for me to make, and put an end to the ridiculousness once and for all. As forgiving as I am, once that line is drawn it is almost impossible to erase it.
Kind. I try to always be kind even to those who really are hard for me to rationally tolerate or excuse like pedophiles and murderers. I despise the things many people do but try hard to make sure that their choices do not change who I am and the person I choose to be. So no matter how revolting a behavior is or the person has become, I try with all my might to treat them with courtesy and respect as a human being.... Don't jump....
Blunt. Very! However I do not confuse honesty and bluntness with rudeness and spite. I know the difference and keep them as far away from each other as I humanly can. And I often go for the concept of not saying anything if it is not nice.
A Thinker. This is a never ending trait. Good? I am not so sure. I think and re think and re think and re think, well I suppose by now you get the picture. My mind never stops. I am glad I think things through, I do however very willing admit this is way beyond to an extreme. What should I do about it? I will have to think about it and get back to you.
Passive Aggressive. Me? How could you think that of me!? Ah, right, I said that. Yes, I can be very aggressive in a very calm and meaningful way without breaking any of my own ethics yet very successfully getting my displeasure across. Though in all honesty I am not sure why I need it, a simple look from me lets you know where you stand in an instant if I want you to know. Maybe it just feels good after all I have taken. A good trait? No. Immature really. But sometimes it really does feel good!
Constantly Aware of the Fragility of Life. Maybe this is because I grew up going to hospitals and funerals, maybe it is because I had an ill mother, or perhaps it is due to my own disease, but I am always aware of the reality that nothing is for sure. When I say goodbye to my loved ones in the morning, I say it with meaning in full hopes of seeing them again yet with the ever present thought that this could be the last time I see them. If I talk to you on the phone, I want it to end in a way that if one of us died in the next instant you would know that I loved or cared for you and to what extent. When I say "I love you" I say it with meaning and not in a casual way like so many do. If I am in a disagreement or fight with someone I care for I lay awake thinking about it and praying and hoping it can be resolved before one of us is no longer there. Does this mean I am a basket case and in fear at all times of death. Not at all. I just treasure life. I do not run around like a headless chicken attempting to pack all I can into every second I live, but I really try to live so if I died this second, those I love would know it without a doubt and be able to cherish and hold onto the strength of the love or friendship I gave and left behind. A good trait, I hope so. Depressing? At times... In the end though I feel it helps me to live genuinely and truly so when my time comes, after I am 120 or so, I have no major regrets.
Lonely. Deeply so. And this is not good. I want to fix this but can I? Only time will tell.
A True Friend. I would die for and go to extreme lengths for my close friends and to many lengths for those who I simply know. I am there for a friend in any way I can at any day or hour any place on this earth. I like this about me and I hope my friends always know what they mean to me.
Manipulator of the Truth. Hmmm. I could have said "Lyer" but that would not really explain what I want to say though in a way that is what I can be good at. I grew up knowing way too much very personal information about hundreds of people. Others knew this and thought I would be an easy target for extracting information about others. It horrified me and scared me that I could say something in total innocence and with no mal-intent and end up starting horrifying and preposterous stories about a person that could and would ruin them. I saw in the others around me a joy at bringing others to their knees or humiliating them so said person would feel better about themselves or their own faults. By the time I was four I knew I could never be part of this. However, I was raised to firmly believe that lying was wrong yet so was being rude or disrespectful. So what could a child do? I did the only thing I could figure out at that age, how to lie without ever lying. And I am very good at it! After decades of experience I can hide some one's secrets deeper then a straight in the oceans off Guam and camouflage it so you can not see the forest for the trees. Is this good? Under the circumstances, I am proud of myself but I wish my parents had the sense to not let me be privy to such personal information in the first place! Interestingly I only used it for others. For my own part, if you get too nosey... I will just smile and ignore the question or tell you "it is none of your business". Thank heavens I can do that as an adult without being rude or disrespectful!
Needy. Or I guess that is what it would be labeled. Honestly, I am not sure if I am needy or just bad at getting what I need and deserve. Something else to think about.
Talented. Yes. Though I am not sure what they all are. I can carry a tune quite well, handle a room full of children in a wide range of ages, help problematic kids, cook well enough, teach with ease, learn quite easily, write well enough to get my thoughts out there, deal with contrary people and often make it look easy, enjoy business ventures especially in retail and entrepreneurship and have seceded moderately in both, am able to help others see things in a new light, and love with passion and without conditions. So there are a few. Nothing earth shattering or outrageous. But they are mine and I am thankful for the ones I have.
So this is me? No only parts. Some good, some not, and some, well the jury is still out. With what I have I want to live fully and completely with as few regrets as possible yet all the while pushing the proverbial envelope just a little. I want to reach my grave not beautiful and preserved looking like a young angel taken too soon, but aged with every ounce of life used, every spark of passion ignited and shared, every dream fulfilled, every joy experienced, every good desire met, all smiles passed on, all hugs shared, all love given, all laughter ringing through time, and all those I touched better for having known me or honored me by allowing me into their lives. And then and only then shall my parts become whole.

Who Am I?

What a wonderful question! We ask it of ourselves and others all the time. But in all the living I have packed in my relatively short life, I am not sure of the answer. Of course there are things I know about myself, some which I love and others which I am not so thrilled with. But who I truly am, wow... will I ever know this or fully grasp in entirety who I am? I do not know if anyone knows this until the end and even then do we really ever know the impact we have had on others and lives around us? And all of that, the memories we helped create, the feelings we instilled, the joy we brought, the tears we caused, are they not all a part of who we ultimately are? So can we really ever know who we fully and truly are? I do not know.
But thankfully when others want to know you and who you are it is a much more narrowed view. In the scheme of life, and in reality the things we often ask of people in a meager attempt to know them better are small and for many quite easy to rattle off in a matter of minutes and we clutch these together in some manner of glee or foreboding feeling as if we now know this person. Maybe we do, and more likely we do not. But many kudos to those who really do try.
Some of us seem to be able to "read" people and often gather what kind of person they are in the moment quite quickly. While this is helpful for the one observing in knowing the intentions of the other and thus hopefully avoiding any misunderstandings or mistakes, it is still so limiting. For though one might "read" who this person is, we so very often do not have a clue as to why or how the person became who they are in that moment and thus may not be truly "reading" the person at all. It would be like a person reading one page from a book and saying they knew the book. They may....but they also may not.
So back to square one... who am I? I am still learning and waiting to find out! But of the things I do know, I am happy to share.

And so I begin....

Hello to anyone who might pass by to pause and read!

Please know that this is a place where I voice my many and varied opinions on just as many if not more subjects. While I am very opinionated, and strongly so, I strive to also be very empathetic and open minded enough to learn and be understanding and respectful, but not to the extent that my mind falls out and thus leaves me mindless. This is my own little stand of "boxes full of soap" and I hope that if others have opinions to broadcast they will kindly procure their own soap box or boxes to stand on. I enjoy conversation and knowing how others see things. However, only if done in a polite and kind manner respecting others and their right to have a personal view. No spam, foul language, mean or personal verbal assaults will be allowed by those who comment. Those kind of things will be deleted immediately!

And so I begin. I hope that there are those who will enjoy. And if I can encourage, support, help, open the eyes of, bring joy to, educate, bring a smile to, or cause pure giggles or laughter from, someone it will make my heart glad!