When I was a child my father filled a bucket with water. He then called his three children to his side and said "Now stick your hand in there and splash it around!!" So we did with much joy and glee. Then he said "Now take your hands out" Once again we followed his instructions and waited with anticipation of what would come next, after all this was fun! "Now" he said, "where is the hole?" We looked at him with puzzled faces. Why would we look for a hole? Of course there would not be a hole. Why would there? "Ah!" he continued, "there is no hole! And that is how life is. You can work hard and make a splash, but in the end, things will be as they were before you. There will be no hole left when you are gone. So remember, you are replaceable."
Our happy faces soon turned to puzzled ones as we were dismissed. And our demeanors had gone from joyful to serious. But I never forgot that lesson at my father's side and sadly for many years I believed it.
Until one day I read a book and realized, there may not be a hole but what a lot of things waves, ripples, and drops caused by all that splashing can do. In fact there is no telling how far reaching these might be. Yet, I still had so much more to learn! And tonight I realized one of them.
While I may have realized I can live my life in such a way that I am not replaceable, I did not realize after a life of believing I was, I have surrounded myself with many people that treat me as if I am. People that take me for granted. People that do not really believe I am priceless, valuable, and irreplaceable. And tonight, after years of hurting because of their treatment, I realized it is my fault. Oh! Do not mis-understand! I take no responsibility for their carelessness with my heart, love, and devotion! That is not with-in my control and is totally their fault. But I kept letting them do it!
I cried and tried to change them and their thinking over and over! I blamed myself for being too fat, too unattractive, too needy, too passionate, too naive, too romantic, too stubborn, too straight, ... And I was right, it was my fault! But not for any of those reasons. It was because I allowed them to keep doing it to me!
They did it to me!! And I hurt and cried and suffered... I plead, and begged, and coaxed... I struggled, and fell, and became crushed.... And I stayed... I stayed... And I let them do it over and over and over!
Not just for seconds, minutes, hours, days, weeks, or months....but for years!!!!
I did that....
I allowed that....
And I am not sure how to change it
I am not sure changing it will make things over all better or worse.
But I am sure I am going to learn to never ever let anyone treat me less then who I really am. I must not let them smoother the passion, joy, love, desire, romance, whimsy, and laughter from my chest!! They must not silence my true voice!!
They may shout " There is no hole"
In reply I will smile and laugh with pure love and joy and reply " Yes, that is true!! But now everything is wet!! And just try to stop my ripples!!!!"
