Needy

"When you ask how I am, it comes across as needy and it is unattractive!" ...those words hit me like the discharge of a skunk. Putrid, overwhelming, and foul, the words filled the air with a smell not easily escaped. I sat stunned for a second from both shock and amazement.

Before me sat a person I had spent fifteen years of my life loving, accommodating, coddling, and appeasing. When difficult times arose I would bravely face the problems alone and carry the load no matter how heavy or painful, all the while protecting and shielding this person with what at times seemed my last breath. When conflict came I helped them, by coaxing and pleading, to communicate and enable change to emerge. I supported, cared for, stood up for, cooked for, cleaned for, created a loving sense of family for, and nursed them when they fell ill. I couldn't tell you how many hours I spent helping them with their school work and problems in life. I dealt with moodiness, whining, immaturity, and at times extreme selfishness.  I was always there putting them way above my own needs and wants. And I am the needy one?

Thoughts raced through my head as my memory shouted its' records. I wondered how it is in this twisted mind that has been in need of so much love, patiences, maturity, and long suffering  that that label could even be uttered in regard to someone else. Was it self hatred that loathed any one who dare care? Was it a poor upbringing that led to this delusion? Or has society become so tarnished that to care is needy and to be selfish is strength?

As time has passed, I often think of the look on their face, the disdain in their voice, and the sneer on their lips. Their words were dipped in selfishness and neediness. The need to tear down a good soul. The need to damage a good heart so their own feels more at ease. The need to control the world around them not realizing that if the world were to be as they deem, no one would care. Never once realizing that the selfish people in this world are truly the neediest people of all!

For they are the ones that need someone to tolerate them, to support them, look out for them, love them even though they may never get that love back. They need others to clean up their messes, wipe their brow, give them a break, shield them, and be a shoulder to cry on. Most of all they need someone they can trust! And believe me, no one selfish would do that for another person ever unless there was something they could gain.... and can you really call that trust?

And maybe this is the problem. Maybe if we gathered up all the truly selfish needy people in the world and forced them to live together, maybe at some point they would learn. Perhaps after dealing with other people who are truly needy, they would figure out what "needy" really is. If all of us who are the opposite of needy, the ones who care for everyone else, the souls who cry and suffer alone, the truly strong ones, were to stop throwing our pearls before swine, maybe then the swine would cease to be.

I do not know

I do know I am the extreme opposite of needy. I carry burdens and loads far heavier and painful then the world around me would ever know. And while I do this, I smile genuinely, laugh purely, love fiercely, protect my world with my life, and all often with a song in my heart or on my lips. I do not whine or complain, do not put my needs before others, and am loyal to a fault. I have been knocked about in this life many many times, yet I rise from the ashes still loving and kind.

Kindness despite mistreatment and misfortune takes courage and strength. Love even when betrayed and taken advantage of takes a heart pure and truly otherworldly. And a good soul surrounded by evil, heartache, and pain yet remains good and true takes a soul of unfathomable worth, for it is a soul that can not be bought or sold. All these are signs of strength and indipendance.

No dear soul, needy does not describe me!

It may describe you. It may describe the way you choose to see the world. It may describe many other people in this world. But you need to examine the truly needy souls in life. For they are not the ones that care despite their own needs. They are the ones who can not spare kindness or love for fear. They are the ones who lash out in immaturity and poison uncaring of the effects on the world about them. They are the sad souls who miss out on so much goodness right before them because of their yet unfulfilled destiny to evolve into the creatures God intended them to truly be.

So the next time my dear one you want to call someone needy, think long and hard about who and what that really means.

Dancing Lessons in the Storm

Almost since I can remember I have been learning. Thankfully it is something that, either because of my upbringing or personality, I often truly enjoy. There are many lessons learned however that I have never been that found of. Those are the ones I gained through pain, sorrow, misery, heartache, embarrassment, losing someone or something, and stress.

The past five years have been a lesson indeed though, to be honest, I am not always sure what lessons I am to glean. Sometimes I am afraid that in all the hurt, stress, and sorrow I may miss the lesson for the pain.

This is frightening to me because I am a firm believer that once a lesson is learned, you move on. However, if the lesson is not yet learned, it will come around again until you realize and not only learn, but put your new found knowledge to use. I do not want to repeat uncomfortable situations. Nor do I want to repeat mistakes. Sometimes I panic and feel that if I just hurry up and learn the lesson, I can emerge from the mire.

Then I realized something. I am always doing that! I push through and rush on, stubbornly pressing on to overcome, learn, fix, patch, conquer, and squelch any and all problems that come into my life or the life of those I love and care for. Maybe just maybe THAT is my lesson.

Maybe I need to learn to have peace and calm IN the storm. Perhaps within the storm is my answer, my still small voice. Could it be my lesson is to learn to dance in the rain? To sleep through the storm? To have so much love, joy, and peace within that no storm can rile me?

I look back over my life and I realize that every time something negative has happened, I lower my head, wrap those I love in my arms, and head strong, push through. I don't really stop to rest or even breath. Do I get through? Absolutely! But at what cost?

I am in a storm. One that threatens to smash my soul upon the rocks. To steal my child like faith. To crush my passion and love. Panic, anger, fear, sorrow, and urgency are awakened within me. I am betrayed, used, hurt and lost. I long to run headlong into the fight, punching my way through the fray, conquering all in my way, and coming out on the other side victorious!

At last though I pause...

IF I conquer, what is lost? If I battle, what do I slay? And if I constantly fight, what toll will it take on my health, person, my soul? A light seems to filter into my mind and heart. I think of a movie I once watched where someone realized that everything is perception. What you choose to believe is often so. And most importantly, you control more then you often realize.

And so, though with fear and uncertainty, I am learning to stand my ground. I am learning to truly find peace in the storm. I am finding things don't have to be so scary when you hold on to His hand. I am learning to draw my lines where I am. To face the rage without fear or urgency. Seeing things for what they really are and how, in the scheme of this vast universe, small and insignificant they will soon become. As the bullets fly about me, I am slowing down, thinking, praying, pausing, and sometimes most difficult and important... breathing.

 Am I frightened? At times almost petrified! This is not my style! I fight by jumping, zig-zagging, creeping, crawling, running, smashing, crashing, and quickly conquering. It seems though a new lesson is to be learned. One where I stand my ground. Where I flee no more. A lesson that takes more strength then before, for now I must face with calm clarity the beast before me. I will have to be more aware and precise. My mind must be at peace and calm. Decisions made need be weighed carefully with a clear mind and peaceful heart. None of these are easy in battle. It is much easier to fight or,I believe for some, to hide. But that is not dancing in the rain, it is not sleeping through the storm. There is no peace or calm, only fear and angst.

So I am putting this battle into slow motion. I am carefully weighing every move and action. I am taking time to breath and laugh, to love and connect, to cherish and create. And though there are times I am not sure I can stand another minute, I can dodge another bullet, I pause. And then I see an encouraging post from a friend, something that makes me laugh, beauty in the eyes of those about me, a message of love or hope received, a rainbow in the sky above me, a beautiful moon that wraps me in its' soft glow, a bible verse I remembered just because, or a song that makes me feel invincible. Then I realize my table is spread before me in the presence of my enemies yet I will fear no evil. I can not control the storm about me, but I control the one I am within.

So while the calm days with warm sun rays and scented breezes are enjoyed, I am learning to enjoy my storms too. I do not have this lesson learned as of yet and I do not know if I will ever be so blessed as to fully enjoy myself through the conflicts of life. But I love to laugh, I love to smile, I love to feel peace, and I love to dance! So, when the storms do unleash their rage about me, I pray I can sleep through the rage and dance in the storm.