Tuesday, June 29, 2010

Seriously?

There are so many things of late that have me amazed and confused and never in a good way! They leave me almost speechless, which for me is shocking in itself, and I find myself in a confused wonderment thinking "Seriously?". Am I the only one that sees these things or has a problem with them?
One of men's favorite excuses for why they are not loving and passionate in their relationships is that they are just not expressive of their emotions. Women are, they are not, so we should just suffer quietly and happily believing that you are completely and totally loved just because they pay the bills and tell you in passing that they love you (and this is often in response to you or someone else saying it first!). They are so good at making us feel like nagging selfish needy people if we beg for a cuddle or kiss on occasion that is genuine and we feel awful and degraded for having to beg or prod for something so basic and needed that we begin to believe that we are less and worthless. But I went to a quiet eatery one day. In there were two men I had seen before. Both are quiet and reserved business men who I am sure make the above claims all the time. On the televisions all around the World Cup Soccer Tournament was on. The men sat in opposite corners glued to the game. I fear if we had been attacked in that moment they both would have died! Anyway, these men were so zoned into the game they became totally oblivious to anything else around them. They clenched their fist, groaned, made crazed faces, waved their arms like the insane, and jumped up and down yelling like they were on fire. They did not care who saw them or what they missed. They did not care what other game may have been on or if the phone rang. They became enamoured and fixated on this one thing and gave this thing more attention and passion then I imagine those closest to them ever receive and publicly which I am willing to bet they are ashamed and "unable" to do for their life partner. But we are supposed to believe they are incapable of passion and expressing themselves.....!?!?!? SERIOUSLY?
Christianity. Sadly second only to men, this group have me saying all kinds of amazed and tortured words and phrases on a regular basis. However there are two things of late that .... well let me just explain. You see the Bible is something I know a lot about. It teaches to love everyone, to do unto others only that which you would want them to do to you, and to hate the sin but love the sinner. The two greatest commandments that all those who claim to believe in the bible are supposed to follow no matter what are, love the Lord with all your heart and your neighbor as yourself. But the worst (and best) people I have ever known are Christian. Lately, a group claiming Christianity has been picketing and protesting against homosexuals and those in the military. They use all kinds of words from the bible in twisted and out of context ways to help them promote their poison and hate. They even go to the memorial services and funerals of those who gave their lives in the war to spew their ugliness for all to suffer and see. Ironically these same people died protecting what gives them the ability to spew. They totally forget the many many parts of the bible that show no one is perfect, all have sinned, and that we are to love everyone, and we should hate the sin but love the sinner. But somehow they are above the very man they claim to follow, Jesus. And whatever He did or taught does not apply to them, only in a weird and misconstrued way to others. And these people are going to Heaven a place of peace, joy, love, beauty, and splendor and we should want to go with them, to live, eternally, ....SERIOUSLY?!?!
The second is those against homosexuals having the legal rights of marriage. Now I am not homosexual, I do not believe it is they way things are intended. If someone were to ask me if I think it is "right" I would reply "according to whom?". You see I was raised a Christian. So I was taught it is not the way God intended. However, there are a ton of things in the world that are not as God intended! Fortunately since I am not a homosexual I do not need to figure out what is wrong or right about it because it is a personal issue much the same as what religion or life path one chooses. I do not have to live with the choices or inner desires so how can I judge? So now the ones who think they are dyed and true Christians will throw up their hands. But why? If I want to follow my beliefs and convictions, as long as they are not physically harming others, shouldn't I give the same courtesy to others? Who gets to decide which god is real and right? who gets to decided if there is one at all? Who should be able to pick what religious book to follow or if we should even follow one? And I think the thing that bothers me the most.... Jesus, the son of the God many claim to believe in, came and died to do one thing and one thing only. To give everyone choice. Some say he came to save us. no not true. Just because he died does not mean we are all going to heaven, it is not an automatic, a given. Others say he came to teach us. Well he did teach us. But if that had been the sole reason he could have just returned to heaven without all the torture and agony of being crucified. Others say it was to pay our debt, well yes, but why? ... Ah! There it is again! He died to give us a choice! I know I know, now others are saying that is was to give us a good choice only, a choice to go to heaven. Wrong again, for if that were the case it would not be a choice it would be an automatic, we would just all go. He, the son of God, wanted so badly to preserve our ability to choose ( for those bible people out there remember the tree in the garden was a choice too) for good or bad that he died for it. .... let that just sink in to your heart and mind for a moment. It was so important to Him that he died to ensure we would always have a choice, regardless of what the choice would be, He wanted that for us. And then we who claim to love and follow him want to take away or ensure others do not have a choice because we as mere mortals are so wise and all knowing that we know it is a choice they should not have?!?!?!? SERIOUSLY?
And why do some people use things that happen to their group or race as an excuse for their current miserable existence? Granted terrible things have happened that should never ever happen within the human race! But using them for an excuse later on is a sad testament to what a person is made of and how they have let the horrible act win control over their life. I have never seen Christians use the fact that they were thrown to lions, burned at the stake, and slaughtered by the thousands as a reason for living in a way they shouldn't today. I have never heard Jews claiming the Holocaust as a reason they do not succeed or why they may not have a good life now. I do not remember Japanese Americans becoming fall down drunks because they were rounded up and placed in camps, most of whom lost most of what they had worked hard to build and create. Australians running about like hoodlums because they were all prisoners and banished from their home is not what I saw when I went there a few years back. And Koreans after being raped, enslaved, mistreated, and their country name changed by those evil people who to this day claim they "helped" them, do not wander about aimlessly involved in drugs, prostitution, and riots because of what happened to them. Yet there are other groups who were enslaved and horribly mistreated and years later so many of them live in a way that is not an honor to the good possibilities of human kind nor a good reflection on their own group but it is because of the atrocities brought against their ancestors, or so they say. I have seen an incredible group of people. They were amazing! I admire so much of who they were and the skills and lives they had. SO much was taken from them and so many were killed that it will forever leave an ugly mark on history. But they could return back to so much of what they were. Instead they sit in pity and marinate in losses until they only want to drink their sorrows away and instead of being beautiful and strong they are bitter and drunk. Then so many of my own people run around in gangs and deal in drugs. Living in filthy neighborhoods and becoming violent evil people all of which is blamed on no one helping them and getting them out of poverty. I look in horror at what some choose to become and what wonderful things others became after similar or worse circumstances and it leaves me frustrated, angry, sad, amazed, and asking..... Seriously??
I saw a commercial on military television the other day that showed a woman walking to her home alone instead of with her assigned "buddy" who is a man, she gets attacked, then saved by two men who ask her why she is not with a buddy. When she says she did not think she needed one she is chastised and asked what was she thinking. Then the announcer (a man) says you can prevent sexual assault and you must do your part. Never mind the attacker could have been her buddy in the first place since he is a man, or the fact that a woman walking alone is NOT the cause for sexual assault. When I saw this commercial making the woman out to be dumb and the cause for a sexual assault I felt as if I had been thrown into a time warp and sent back in time. I mean .... SERIOUSLY?
Perhaps all these things should just be added to the "whatever" column in life. After all there are always going to be things that happen which challenge our patience and sense of ethics not to mention our integrity and intellect. But sometimes things just take you so off guard and for a moment, if not longer, I find myself at a loss for words. In those situations I just can not seem to help saying.... Seriously?

Thursday, June 24, 2010

Part of the Whole

There are so many things that make up the whole of me. Many I know, some I may never know. But of these I am sure.
Passion. I am full of it! The things I believe in, I believe in whole heartily! Things I disapprove of I do so with a vengeance! I love passionately and sometimes those I should not or those who have not made themselves worthy of love, mine or other's. I talk with passion, laugh with passion, care with passion, dream with passion, despise with passion, protect with passion, argue with passion (and my can I!!), and try my best to live with passion.
Empathy. I feel it in my very being for others and even for those of supposed existence. I can imagine how someone feels just by hearing or reading what happened to them. And movies can be torture for me because I feel what the person should or would feel if it was real. My empathy goes not only for humankind but nature and all its' creatures as well. I am distraught over the lack of empathy in most people today and nothing can bring out the worst in me (or best?) faster then someone bullying or hurting someone else for thrills or just because they can.
And speaking of the worst... Temper. Yes, I have one of those for sure!! It takes a lot to trigger it but if it is really triggered, heaven helps us all! But it is not all bad because sometimes it is my anger or indignation that gets me motivated to make changes or do things to improve my surroundings.
Procrastination.
...as I was saying, I love it! It is a great way to pause throughout life and breath. Obviously if used too often it can get in the way of a productive life. But in a time when we want to fill every nano-second of our lives with something productive or at least considered productive by our societies, it is good to take a moment for, well, nothing!
A Dreamer. Day Dreaming, as it is called, is very important. To me it is like the soul exhaling, taking something from inside of you and putting it out into the universe. While it can not be seen, it is a vital part of living. And just as when we exhale with gusto we can move, inflate, or give wings to things so dreaming with passion moves things and gives shape and wings to our soul. As the dreams materialize our souls find another way to immortalize a part of themselves. I have been a dreamer almost since I can remember. It began as a part of my imagination and a way to quietly pass time or escape uncomfortable situations. Now I dream often. I dream of the near future and the far off eternity. I plan, research, work, and fight for a chance and way to fulfill the many dreams I have. Sometimes there are detours and sometimes alterations, but always the dreams are cherished and kept alive as my soul breaths.
Imaginative. Never has there been a lack of imagination in my soul. This is a great part of my ability for empathy and dreaming. I have a love hate relationship with my imagination in all honesty. When I am able to discover an unique way to solve a problem or make a point I am thrilled. It further allows me to see other's point of view and I believe thus helps me to be a better person. But past the fun and help it also gives me pain when I can foresee the worst in a person or situation or feel the agony of an injured ant or fellow human. I can imagine with fierceness the pain of someone who looses a loved one or the fear in a person or animal being mistreated or bullied. The most horrific and ugly the world has to offer I can sense and feel and this I often wish I could shut off or live without. Not that I would want to be non-empathetic or calloused, I just feel my own sufferings are enough to shoulder and I would rather not bare anymore. Wimpy of me? Perhaps. But honest? If only you could imagine.
Music Lover. You probably wonder why I would put this here. Music is more often thought of as a passion or interests and even a profession. But a part of someone? Well I can only speak for myself. For me music, along with passion and love, are the oxygen my soul breaths. How can music be such an necesary part of a soul? I am not sure. I have my theories. Suffice to say though that for me it is a very real and needed part of who I am.
A Lover. Of many things and people. I love deep and passionately and often too freely. While I always want to love others truly and with passion, I Find this more often a fault then a strength. I give more then I ever receive and while it is more blessed to give then to receive, there are boundaries to that thought process and when you only give but do not receive in kind you become a well that dries up and in the end has nothing but dust to give.
Opinionated. Is there a stronger word? Because if there is I should use that instead! There are some things I just cling to as necessary and so. Are they? Well I think so!!! Like, do not complain of others or things if you do them yourself! Do not say something unless you honestly know what you are talking about! There is no double standard for genders! Don't bring your god into godless things! Please do not hide behind things especially religion!! Do unto others, always!!! Laughter is never good or real if at some one's expense! A gift should be given not loaned and something the receiver wants not what the giver wants other wise calling it a gift is a bit of a stretch! And so on... Are these flexible, if you can make a good argument as to why they should change, perhaps. But more likely not. Is this a good thing? In most cases yes, but I often think about it to try and ensure how I use it remains a positive because I have seen what non-empathetic and disrespectful opinionated people can become and I don't want to go there.
Interests. I have a ton of these. So varied and different yet all so me! to list everything that is of interest to me would take a chunk of time and even then, I may discover a new one five minutes after I finished telling you what they were....
Which leads me to another big part of who I am. Learning. I love to learn. And learning from my mistakes and other's are a big part of this ( though I prefer to learn from other's in this instance). Beyond life's lessons I enjoy various subjects. Not all subjects are of interest to me, but I am not sure I could learn enough to satisfy myself in even the most appealing of all subjects let alone all. And as I learn I discover more intriguing subjects and thus a constant circle and cycle of learning goes on... I hope for an eternity.
Eternity...yup I said that. I believe in eternity, and God, and love, and good vs evil, the bible and.... whoa!!! Had to catch ya there because it seemed you were jumping to conclusions which are often nothing but illusions. I am spiritual yes, religious to a degree yes, but in the ways most think, not even close. But that is another post (or two or...).
Stubborn. This quality/fault I have in proportions not often seen. Sometimes it is one of my greatest assets. Other times it is my worst. But as I grow I continue to try and learn to use it for good and thus make it a wonderful and highly valuable trait to have!
Patience. This I have too much of (or something that acts like patience). I take far more then I should. Wait for things way beyond sensibly. Sometimes I am frustrated with the amount of patience I have and wish it were less. ...or maybe I just need another trait to counter it and help balance it out.
Talking. One of my favorite things...but is this a trait or ....
Communicating. I am great at getting a point across, mine or another's, verbally or in writing. I am also able to shout volumes with my body language and make love to or kill someone with my eyes. I am also a very good listener. However, I need to work on being better heard and understood when it comes to my own needs and wants.
Reading Other's. Yup I am one of those! I can be around someone a very short amount of time and know exactly what kind of person they are and their intentions. Have I ever been wrong? Nope. The problem? I hate these gut reactions because I feel like a cranky old judge categorizing people and putting them in little boxes and I hate it. So what do I do? Second guess myself, every time, never fails. And you know what else never fails? I find out I was right and wish I had listened to that "gut" reaction. I once heard someone say " When someone shows you who they are believe them the first time." Well.... I am still working on that!
Depressed. Sometimes very. Other times, not so badly. I have a lot of tough things in my life (who doesn't) and I hold it all in to be "strong" for others and hold them through whatever it is. No one does this for me. They never in all my life have. I feel overwhelmed and alone. Pain mixed with insomnia leave me feeling very tired and old at times. My energy seems to vaporize and I feel trapped. This is not a good trait... I am working on it!
Strong. Beyond my wildest dreams. Yet my strength it seems has not impressed this universe (which is understandable with how small in the scheme of things I am) and it keeps handing me things to see how I handle something else. Why? I do not know. I am thankful for my strength for without it I am sure I would have died long ago (or gone crazy). Yet at times I wish I was not the strong one. For it is the strong ones everyone else leans on and goes to, but then who do we go to? Being strong is wonderful in ways for nothing is more rewarding then knowing you were there for someone when the times were rough and held them through whatever it was. You were the person you always wish were there for you but never is. And so it becomes bitter sweet. The sweetness of being a person you know you would admire and be thankful for, bitter because not only do you know there will be no such person for you but beyond that you are often hated for raising above and riding the waves of life with grace.
An Elephant. Did I just say an elephant? Yup! Why? Because I NEVER forget things. Is this good? My jury is still out on this (yes I have a jury...I deliberate all the time!). When it comes to learning, it is a gift! When it comes to bad things that have happened or cruel things people have said... not so great..... Whoop... Caughtcha! Admit it you were jumping again!
Forgiving. Ha! After the last post and that jumping you were doing I bet you were surprised to see this one next! But honestly, I am very forgiving. Often too quickly and too many many times. However, this paired with my memory actually works out because after someone does something repeatedly I will at some point draw the line, armed with the history to back myself in this decision that is hard for me to make, and put an end to the ridiculousness once and for all. As forgiving as I am, once that line is drawn it is almost impossible to erase it.
Kind. I try to always be kind even to those who really are hard for me to rationally tolerate or excuse like pedophiles and murderers. I despise the things many people do but try hard to make sure that their choices do not change who I am and the person I choose to be. So no matter how revolting a behavior is or the person has become, I try with all my might to treat them with courtesy and respect as a human being.... Don't jump....
Blunt. Very! However I do not confuse honesty and bluntness with rudeness and spite. I know the difference and keep them as far away from each other as I humanly can. And I often go for the concept of not saying anything if it is not nice.
A Thinker. This is a never ending trait. Good? I am not so sure. I think and re think and re think and re think, well I suppose by now you get the picture. My mind never stops. I am glad I think things through, I do however very willing admit this is way beyond to an extreme. What should I do about it? I will have to think about it and get back to you.
Passive Aggressive. Me? How could you think that of me!? Ah, right, I said that. Yes, I can be very aggressive in a very calm and meaningful way without breaking any of my own ethics yet very successfully getting my displeasure across. Though in all honesty I am not sure why I need it, a simple look from me lets you know where you stand in an instant if I want you to know. Maybe it just feels good after all I have taken. A good trait? No. Immature really. But sometimes it really does feel good!
Constantly Aware of the Fragility of Life. Maybe this is because I grew up going to hospitals and funerals, maybe it is because I had an ill mother, or perhaps it is due to my own disease, but I am always aware of the reality that nothing is for sure. When I say goodbye to my loved ones in the morning, I say it with meaning in full hopes of seeing them again yet with the ever present thought that this could be the last time I see them. If I talk to you on the phone, I want it to end in a way that if one of us died in the next instant you would know that I loved or cared for you and to what extent. When I say "I love you" I say it with meaning and not in a casual way like so many do. If I am in a disagreement or fight with someone I care for I lay awake thinking about it and praying and hoping it can be resolved before one of us is no longer there. Does this mean I am a basket case and in fear at all times of death. Not at all. I just treasure life. I do not run around like a headless chicken attempting to pack all I can into every second I live, but I really try to live so if I died this second, those I love would know it without a doubt and be able to cherish and hold onto the strength of the love or friendship I gave and left behind. A good trait, I hope so. Depressing? At times... In the end though I feel it helps me to live genuinely and truly so when my time comes, after I am 120 or so, I have no major regrets.
Lonely. Deeply so. And this is not good. I want to fix this but can I? Only time will tell.
A True Friend. I would die for and go to extreme lengths for my close friends and to many lengths for those who I simply know. I am there for a friend in any way I can at any day or hour any place on this earth. I like this about me and I hope my friends always know what they mean to me.
Manipulator of the Truth. Hmmm. I could have said "Lyer" but that would not really explain what I want to say though in a way that is what I can be good at. I grew up knowing way too much very personal information about hundreds of people. Others knew this and thought I would be an easy target for extracting information about others. It horrified me and scared me that I could say something in total innocence and with no mal-intent and end up starting horrifying and preposterous stories about a person that could and would ruin them. I saw in the others around me a joy at bringing others to their knees or humiliating them so said person would feel better about themselves or their own faults. By the time I was four I knew I could never be part of this. However, I was raised to firmly believe that lying was wrong yet so was being rude or disrespectful. So what could a child do? I did the only thing I could figure out at that age, how to lie without ever lying. And I am very good at it! After decades of experience I can hide some one's secrets deeper then a straight in the oceans off Guam and camouflage it so you can not see the forest for the trees. Is this good? Under the circumstances, I am proud of myself but I wish my parents had the sense to not let me be privy to such personal information in the first place! Interestingly I only used it for others. For my own part, if you get too nosey... I will just smile and ignore the question or tell you "it is none of your business". Thank heavens I can do that as an adult without being rude or disrespectful!
Needy. Or I guess that is what it would be labeled. Honestly, I am not sure if I am needy or just bad at getting what I need and deserve. Something else to think about.
Talented. Yes. Though I am not sure what they all are. I can carry a tune quite well, handle a room full of children in a wide range of ages, help problematic kids, cook well enough, teach with ease, learn quite easily, write well enough to get my thoughts out there, deal with contrary people and often make it look easy, enjoy business ventures especially in retail and entrepreneurship and have seceded moderately in both, am able to help others see things in a new light, and love with passion and without conditions. So there are a few. Nothing earth shattering or outrageous. But they are mine and I am thankful for the ones I have.
So this is me? No only parts. Some good, some not, and some, well the jury is still out. With what I have I want to live fully and completely with as few regrets as possible yet all the while pushing the proverbial envelope just a little. I want to reach my grave not beautiful and preserved looking like a young angel taken too soon, but aged with every ounce of life used, every spark of passion ignited and shared, every dream fulfilled, every joy experienced, every good desire met, all smiles passed on, all hugs shared, all love given, all laughter ringing through time, and all those I touched better for having known me or honored me by allowing me into their lives. And then and only then shall my parts become whole.

Wednesday, June 23, 2010

Who Am I?

What a wonderful question! We ask it of ourselves and others all the time. But in all the living I have packed in my relatively short life, I am not sure of the answer. Of course there are things I know about myself, some which I love and others which I am not so thrilled with. But who I truly am, wow... will I ever know this or fully grasp in entirety who I am? I do not know if anyone knows this until the end and even then do we really ever know the impact we have had on others and lives around us? And all of that, the memories we helped create, the feelings we instilled, the joy we brought, the tears we caused, are they not all a part of who we ultimately are? So can we really ever know who we fully and truly are? I do not know.
But thankfully when others want to know you and who you are it is a much more narrowed view. In the scheme of life, and in reality the things we often ask of people in a meager attempt to know them better are small and for many quite easy to rattle off in a matter of minutes and we clutch these together in some manner of glee or foreboding feeling as if we now know this person. Maybe we do, and more likely we do not. But many kudos to those who really do try.
Some of us seem to be able to "read" people and often gather what kind of person they are in the moment quite quickly. While this is helpful for the one observing in knowing the intentions of the other and thus hopefully avoiding any misunderstandings or mistakes, it is still so limiting. For though one might "read" who this person is, we so very often do not have a clue as to why or how the person became who they are in that moment and thus may not be truly "reading" the person at all. It would be like a person reading one page from a book and saying they knew the book. They may....but they also may not.
So back to square one... who am I? I am still learning and waiting to find out! But of the things I do know, I am happy to share.

And so I begin....

Hello to anyone who might pass by to pause and read!

Please know that this is a place where I voice my many and varied opinions on just as many if not more subjects. While I am very opinionated, and strongly so, I strive to also be very empathetic and open minded enough to learn and be understanding and respectful, but not to the extent that my mind falls out and thus leaves me mindless. This is my own little stand of "boxes full of soap" and I hope that if others have opinions to broadcast they will kindly procure their own soap box or boxes to stand on. I enjoy conversation and knowing how others see things. However, only if done in a polite and kind manner respecting others and their right to have a personal view. No spam, foul language, mean or personal verbal assaults will be allowed by those who comment. Those kind of things will be deleted immediately!

And so I begin. I hope that there are those who will enjoy. And if I can encourage, support, help, open the eyes of, bring joy to, educate, bring a smile to, or cause pure giggles or laughter from, someone it will make my heart glad!