If

If I should not care
Then what would my life be?
 Would I be held by
ideals and heart's misery?
Would I feel the need to stand
For it is right to any man?
Would I lose many nights of sleep
Would I often turn to weep
Would my heart much freer be
 if I could just but find the key?
Would once I let the worry go
Could I be joyful great and full
Would taste that of sleep ?
Or would I find but coldness keep
My soul to leave again
Would my weary eyelids close
And open to but joy
Or would I find but heart of stone
My soul to weigh or break?
Could I learn to look and see
Only that of joy
Or would I then forget to thank
And count my blessing ne'er
At time I wish my soul to rest
So weary I must be
If I digress and do not see
What would that truly mean?

God

A friend I have known for most of my life was talking with me the other day and she posed a question. This question was of no normal fair for her voice and words were wrapped in deep heartache etched in loss and grief. As I listened closely to not only her words but her feelings, my heart ached for her....

"Why" she said " does God always say no to me?"

I knew much of her story well and what I didn't know came through in her pain. She had lost much, suffered much, and endured much.  And now she longed for answers. But I was puzzled. As I listened, she explained.

"God said no I couldn't keep my son, He said no I couldn't keep my husband. And then He said no to love,  health, and so much more! Why? Why does He always say no?"

My heart ached doubly now, not only for her but for God too.

As my heart ached I realized how many times I had heard sentiments like hers. People who felt angry, hurt, forsaken, or let down by a God they wanted to believe in. How many times have I  heard people saying  "God only gives you what you can handle." or "Well God's will be done."? Every time I hear these words in relationship to a sad or bad occurrence I cringe! And it leaves me wondering what Bible they read.

God doesn't take away our loved ones, or give us sickness. He doesn't stand around while we suffer, or dole out atrocities to see how we cope. He loves us and as a loving God only gives us good gifts. And while it is true that bad things happen to good people all the time and our world is often filled with evil and heartache, these are the result of choices made by us or others as humans, not by Him. And for some reason we like to blame Him! We get mad at God for the things that go wrong in this world. We blame Him for the pain and suffering in our lives and the lives of others we find blameless. And worse, we often cheer at the misfortune of those we don't like and nod our heads knowingly that God must have fixed them.

But God cries for it all. He cries when we cry and He hurts when we hurt. He feels our pain and sorrow and He can't wait for the day He can take us out of this mess and bring us home! He longs for your heart to be happy and for your soul to be filled with joyful song! He wants for us to flourish and thrive and forever in His love to abide! We each and every one have a perfect purpose to make this world a better place. To create love and joy. To spread His love to everyone! To live, and laugh, and love! And anytime that joy is stolen from us or ripped from our hearts, He cries and bleeds with us.

So why do we blame Him? Why do we turn on Him so quickly? Honestly, there is no good answer for this. Maybe because He is safe; we know no matter how much we turn on Him, He will be right there waiting when we need Him. Or maybe we really do not understand God and that He only gives us goodness and love. Regardless of the reasons, we bring God into, and blame Him for, so many things that have absolutely nothing to do with Him.

I like to share a story that I heard long ago that eloquently shows what we do and the ere of our ways.

There was a man and his wife who were happy and in love. But they had one problem. You see the husband was a good man and a hard worker but he worked in a place that was, well to be blunt, miserable. And no matter how hard he tried to please his bosses or do a great job, it never seemed to make a difference. Day in and day out he would come home discouraged or upset and he would tell his woes to his attentive wife. She felt awful for him and listened to his every complaint and problem and offered to help in anyway she could. With kindness and love she supported him and often asked what she might do to help. He would always thank her and acknowledge there wasn't much beyond the love and support she was giving that she could do. But nothing changed and the poor man continued to deal with work related issues. One day he came home particularly upset. He ranted and complained to his loving wife for quite some time. When he finished, his ever eager to help wife asked as usual if there was something she could do or what was he going to do. To her surprise he answered that he knew exactly what to do! He was going to divorce her!

You might be shaking your head or smiling at the ridiculousness of this story and the decision the man made. But isn't that what we often do to God?

God has nothing to do with the chaos and pain in this world. That all came about because of a choice made by a man and woman long ago. And every bad and evil thing that has happened since then has been a direct or indirect result of more and more bad choices we as a human race have made. God had nothing to do with any of it! In fact, if it weren't for Jesus coming to die and give us all the power of choice, we would be doomed to live this life and when it ended, it would truly be the end. Now because we can choose to have more, to live again, to have a do over, to live without the consequences of the poor and awful choices that have been made, we can choose to do better, live better, and be able to live happily and eternally as we were created and intended. But that was a gift. It was something given with no strings attached. What we do with that gift is still our choice. So don't throw it away!

Does God say no to our prayers and questions? At times, absolutely! But always when it is in your best interest. And He never ever gives us bad things or rips good things away from us.

So the next time your heart is sad or breaking please remember, His heart is breaking too. And when you are tempted to lash out in anger and turn your back on or "divorce" God, please remember the little story I shared. God isn't the problem, He loves you more then you could ever imagine, and He will never leave you or forsake you!

Why

My daughter came home from school today with a pained look about her. As soon as I looked into her beautiful eyes I knew. Someone had broken her heart. Without an audible word, as her heart sobbed in silence, she handed me a neatly folded note. There slowly and with hesitation the words spelled out what she had been afraid of for a short while...

Her boyfriend of almost a year was breaking up with her. As my eyes rose from the paper in my hands to meet with her eyes once more, my own heart sobbed along in silence with hers. I knew her pain all too well. I had been in her place. And as I wrapped my arms around her in the hopes of comforting her trembling soul, she softly with tear stained voice asked a question  ... "Why?"

Why....

If I could have even a penny for how many times I have been asked that question by the six children I have raised, or by the hundreds of children I babysat,  helped, or taught I would be quite rich indeed. In the best of times, even in the mediocre of times, I often enjoy the question. But this was not one of those times.

This time it was from a heart broken in bits on the ground, startled and shattered by the instant that can oft betray or change ones' life forever. It was from innocence, disbelief, and betrayal. It was and is a pain that I know all too well and feel to my very core whenever those I care about and love experience it. And I hate it!!

Hate because I have no real answer. I have nothing that can explain or really make one understand. Try as I might I have never been able to make sense out of senseless acts.

Of course I could give some canned answer, some flowery ditty about pain making us stronger. Or perhaps some lovely poem about not giving up or pressing on. And to be sure there are Bible verses, songs, essays, books, and various other words sacred to some or most that give one strength or courage to gather up their shattered life or heart and try to mend it again. I could tell her there are other fish in the sea or how if it is meant to be it will be.... But will it? Do any of these really give an answer?

Why is it the world is so harsh? Why are so many hearts broken? Why can't relationships last and friendships stay true?  Why is there selfishness and greed? Why do feelings fade as cloth in the sun's rays?

And yes, I know the Bible and the story of how we got here. But does it really answer the question?

As I hold her tight in hopes of providing her some strength and comfort, I earnestly and desperately claw through the archives of my mind for an answer. Some where some how along the way I must have gathered an answer, key, map, or clue. This is what comes...

Because....

Because we get so wrapped up in our own lives and worries we forget the other moving things about us have feelings too. Because we allow our feelings to fade. Because we forget that love and friendship do not just keep happening, they are often a choice. Because we try and work hard for money and power but get lazy in love and kindness. Because we make decisions quickly and without enough thought and make changes out of need without considering those affected by them. Because we allow things to fester and when we become poisonous and infected we blame others and force them to deal with our mess. Because at times we are young and stupid. Because the world changes and we let it change us as well. Because...

As true as all that might be, does it really help?

It would if most of us tried to be more careful with those around us. If we were to keep promises, choose to have integrity, and continue to choose to love and care for those you have asked into your life. But there is one "because" that stands out more then all the rest...

Because life is not what is was meant to be.

And as long as we live on this earth, love will be fickle, passions will fade, hearts will be broken, promises forgotten, friendships lost, and souls will be crushed.

One day though we will be in a place where life will be as it should be. Love will last eternally, passions will soar, hearts will swell from joy and contentment, promises will bind, friendships thrive, and souls will be indestructible!

I do not know when that day will be. But it will be.

I hold my daughter closely and I whisper in her ear, " I may not know why, but I do know this..."

~~~~~~~

"And God shall wipe away all tears from their eyes; 

and there shall be no more death, neither sorrow, nor crying, 

neither shall there be any more pain: 

for the former things are passed away." Rev. 21:4

Needy

"When you ask how I am, it comes across as needy and it is unattractive!" ...those words hit me like the discharge of a skunk. Putrid, overwhelming, and foul, the words filled the air with a smell not easily escaped. I sat stunned for a second from both shock and amazement.

Before me sat a person I had spent fifteen years of my life loving, accommodating, coddling, and appeasing. When difficult times arose I would bravely face the problems alone and carry the load no matter how heavy or painful, all the while protecting and shielding this person with what at times seemed my last breath. When conflict came I helped them, by coaxing and pleading, to communicate and enable change to emerge. I supported, cared for, stood up for, cooked for, cleaned for, created a loving sense of family for, and nursed them when they fell ill. I couldn't tell you how many hours I spent helping them with their school work and problems in life. I dealt with moodiness, whining, immaturity, and at times extreme selfishness.  I was always there putting them way above my own needs and wants. And I am the needy one?

Thoughts raced through my head as my memory shouted its' records. I wondered how it is in this twisted mind that has been in need of so much love, patiences, maturity, and long suffering  that that label could even be uttered in regard to someone else. Was it self hatred that loathed any one who dare care? Was it a poor upbringing that led to this delusion? Or has society become so tarnished that to care is needy and to be selfish is strength?

As time has passed, I often think of the look on their face, the disdain in their voice, and the sneer on their lips. Their words were dipped in selfishness and neediness. The need to tear down a good soul. The need to damage a good heart so their own feels more at ease. The need to control the world around them not realizing that if the world were to be as they deem, no one would care. Never once realizing that the selfish people in this world are truly the neediest people of all!

For they are the ones that need someone to tolerate them, to support them, look out for them, love them even though they may never get that love back. They need others to clean up their messes, wipe their brow, give them a break, shield them, and be a shoulder to cry on. Most of all they need someone they can trust! And believe me, no one selfish would do that for another person ever unless there was something they could gain.... and can you really call that trust?

And maybe this is the problem. Maybe if we gathered up all the truly selfish needy people in the world and forced them to live together, maybe at some point they would learn. Perhaps after dealing with other people who are truly needy, they would figure out what "needy" really is. If all of us who are the opposite of needy, the ones who care for everyone else, the souls who cry and suffer alone, the truly strong ones, were to stop throwing our pearls before swine, maybe then the swine would cease to be.

I do not know

I do know I am the extreme opposite of needy. I carry burdens and loads far heavier and painful then the world around me would ever know. And while I do this, I smile genuinely, laugh purely, love fiercely, protect my world with my life, and all often with a song in my heart or on my lips. I do not whine or complain, do not put my needs before others, and am loyal to a fault. I have been knocked about in this life many many times, yet I rise from the ashes still loving and kind.

Kindness despite mistreatment and misfortune takes courage and strength. Love even when betrayed and taken advantage of takes a heart pure and truly otherworldly. And a good soul surrounded by evil, heartache, and pain yet remains good and true takes a soul of unfathomable worth, for it is a soul that can not be bought or sold. All these are signs of strength and indipendance.

No dear soul, needy does not describe me!

It may describe you. It may describe the way you choose to see the world. It may describe many other people in this world. But you need to examine the truly needy souls in life. For they are not the ones that care despite their own needs. They are the ones who can not spare kindness or love for fear. They are the ones who lash out in immaturity and poison uncaring of the effects on the world about them. They are the sad souls who miss out on so much goodness right before them because of their yet unfulfilled destiny to evolve into the creatures God intended them to truly be.

So the next time my dear one you want to call someone needy, think long and hard about who and what that really means.

Dancing Lessons in the Storm

Almost since I can remember I have been learning. Thankfully it is something that, either because of my upbringing or personality, I often truly enjoy. There are many lessons learned however that I have never been that found of. Those are the ones I gained through pain, sorrow, misery, heartache, embarrassment, losing someone or something, and stress.

The past five years have been a lesson indeed though, to be honest, I am not always sure what lessons I am to glean. Sometimes I am afraid that in all the hurt, stress, and sorrow I may miss the lesson for the pain.

This is frightening to me because I am a firm believer that once a lesson is learned, you move on. However, if the lesson is not yet learned, it will come around again until you realize and not only learn, but put your new found knowledge to use. I do not want to repeat uncomfortable situations. Nor do I want to repeat mistakes. Sometimes I panic and feel that if I just hurry up and learn the lesson, I can emerge from the mire.

Then I realized something. I am always doing that! I push through and rush on, stubbornly pressing on to overcome, learn, fix, patch, conquer, and squelch any and all problems that come into my life or the life of those I love and care for. Maybe just maybe THAT is my lesson.

Maybe I need to learn to have peace and calm IN the storm. Perhaps within the storm is my answer, my still small voice. Could it be my lesson is to learn to dance in the rain? To sleep through the storm? To have so much love, joy, and peace within that no storm can rile me?

I look back over my life and I realize that every time something negative has happened, I lower my head, wrap those I love in my arms, and head strong, push through. I don't really stop to rest or even breath. Do I get through? Absolutely! But at what cost?

I am in a storm. One that threatens to smash my soul upon the rocks. To steal my child like faith. To crush my passion and love. Panic, anger, fear, sorrow, and urgency are awakened within me. I am betrayed, used, hurt and lost. I long to run headlong into the fight, punching my way through the fray, conquering all in my way, and coming out on the other side victorious!

At last though I pause...

IF I conquer, what is lost? If I battle, what do I slay? And if I constantly fight, what toll will it take on my health, person, my soul? A light seems to filter into my mind and heart. I think of a movie I once watched where someone realized that everything is perception. What you choose to believe is often so. And most importantly, you control more then you often realize.

And so, though with fear and uncertainty, I am learning to stand my ground. I am learning to truly find peace in the storm. I am finding things don't have to be so scary when you hold on to His hand. I am learning to draw my lines where I am. To face the rage without fear or urgency. Seeing things for what they really are and how, in the scheme of this vast universe, small and insignificant they will soon become. As the bullets fly about me, I am slowing down, thinking, praying, pausing, and sometimes most difficult and important... breathing.

 Am I frightened? At times almost petrified! This is not my style! I fight by jumping, zig-zagging, creeping, crawling, running, smashing, crashing, and quickly conquering. It seems though a new lesson is to be learned. One where I stand my ground. Where I flee no more. A lesson that takes more strength then before, for now I must face with calm clarity the beast before me. I will have to be more aware and precise. My mind must be at peace and calm. Decisions made need be weighed carefully with a clear mind and peaceful heart. None of these are easy in battle. It is much easier to fight or,I believe for some, to hide. But that is not dancing in the rain, it is not sleeping through the storm. There is no peace or calm, only fear and angst.

So I am putting this battle into slow motion. I am carefully weighing every move and action. I am taking time to breath and laugh, to love and connect, to cherish and create. And though there are times I am not sure I can stand another minute, I can dodge another bullet, I pause. And then I see an encouraging post from a friend, something that makes me laugh, beauty in the eyes of those about me, a message of love or hope received, a rainbow in the sky above me, a beautiful moon that wraps me in its' soft glow, a bible verse I remembered just because, or a song that makes me feel invincible. Then I realize my table is spread before me in the presence of my enemies yet I will fear no evil. I can not control the storm about me, but I control the one I am within.

So while the calm days with warm sun rays and scented breezes are enjoyed, I am learning to enjoy my storms too. I do not have this lesson learned as of yet and I do not know if I will ever be so blessed as to fully enjoy myself through the conflicts of life. But I love to laugh, I love to smile, I love to feel peace, and I love to dance! So, when the storms do unleash their rage about me, I pray I can sleep through the rage and dance in the storm.

My Ripples

When I was a child my father filled a bucket with water. He then called his three children to his side and said "Now stick your hand in there and splash it around!!" So we did with much joy and glee. Then he said "Now take your hands out" Once again we followed his instructions and waited with anticipation of what would come next, after all this was fun! "Now" he said, "where is the hole?" We looked at him with puzzled faces. Why would we look for a hole? Of course there would not be a hole. Why would there? "Ah!" he continued, "there is no hole! And that is how life is. You can work hard and make a splash, but in the end, things will be as they were before you. There will be no hole left when you are gone. So remember, you are replaceable."

Our happy faces soon turned to puzzled ones as we were dismissed. And our demeanors had gone from joyful to serious. But I never forgot that lesson at my father's side and sadly for many years I believed it.

Until one day I read a book and realized, there may not be a hole but what a lot of things waves, ripples, and drops caused by all that splashing can do. In fact there is no telling how far reaching these might be. Yet, I still had so much more to learn! And tonight I realized one of them.

While I may have realized I can live my life in such a way that I am not replaceable, I did not realize after a life of believing I was, I have surrounded myself with many people that treat me as if I am. People that take me for granted. People that do not really believe I am priceless, valuable, and irreplaceable. And tonight, after years of hurting because of their treatment, I realized it is my fault. Oh! Do not mis-understand! I take no responsibility for their carelessness with my heart, love, and devotion! That is not with-in my control and is totally their fault. But I kept letting them do it!

I cried and tried to change them and their thinking over and over! I blamed myself for being too fat, too unattractive, too needy, too passionate, too naive, too romantic, too stubborn, too straight, ... And I was right, it was my fault! But not for any of those reasons. It was because I allowed them to keep doing it to me!

They did it to me!! And I hurt and cried and suffered... I plead, and begged, and coaxed... I struggled, and fell, and became crushed.... And I stayed... I stayed... And I let them do it over and over and over!

Not just for seconds, minutes, hours, days, weeks, or months....but for years!!!!

I did that....

I allowed that....

And I am not sure how to change it

I am not sure changing it will make things over all better or worse.


But I am sure I am going to learn to never ever let anyone treat me less then who I really am. I must not let them smoother the passion, joy, love, desire, romance, whimsy, and laughter from my chest!! They must not silence my true voice!!

They may shout " There is no hole"

In reply I will smile and laugh with pure love and joy and reply " Yes, that is true!! But now everything is wet!! And just try to stop my ripples!!!!"

Cavities

A birthday came round the other day, as they tend to every now and then in a family with eight people. Since it was the birthday of an adult, and no real party was to take place, we went to a store and every child was allowed the treat of picking a small bag of candy each and an ice cream. With smiles and giggles at such a fun treat we all made our way to the check out counter. Excitedly, one of the youngest placed the small shopping basket on the counter and smiled in happy anticipation as the clerk began to scan the goodies. You would have thought the joy and excitement would have been apparent and contagious but instead the clerk looked at the sweet happy innocent face and said "oh boy, someone is going to have a lot of cavities!" All smiles vanished and sad confused looks crept into their place. I quickly and firmly, in as polite a manner as possible, gave a stern reprimand conveying that this was a birthday celebration, we were a big family, and this was a once in a while treat.

Never mind the fact that my kids hardly ever have soda, drink a ton of water, are vegetarian, have no sugary cereals, and as of last dental check up, my kids and I do not have a single cavity. Forget the fact that this person is not a doctor or health worker, does not know me or my family, and was never asked for advice or his opinion, I realized I had fond a cavity.

This cavity is one most do not notice or do anything about. You can not go to a dentist, and no amount of brushing or flossing will prevent or help correct this gap in people's thought process.

You see we were at a store where a lot of alcohol is sold. In fact the customers behind us were buying three cases of beer. Yet not once have I heard a store clerk say "Oh boy, I see someone wants to kill some more brain cells!" or "Oh boy, I see someone wants to go act like a fool!" or "Oh boy. I see you want to add to the chances of crime, stupidity, violence and death in the world!" or "Oh boy, I see someone is going to have liver problems!" I wonder how much alcohol they would sell then or how many customers they would  have. Yet how true those statements would be!

But nothing was said, nor have I ever heard such things said. I have heard people telling those overweight what they do and do not need to be eating and when, I have heard complete strangers tell children with candy that they will have cavities, I have heard carnivores telling vegetarians that they are weird and what they eat is gross (what could be more discusting then eating a dead animal, many of which are covered in feces as a bonus?). I have also heard people who drink asking people who don't if they are alcoholics and if not why they don't drink.

What is missing in our collective thinking? What type of crater has been created by a society were fiction, not fact, determines what we speak out against and what we choose to ignore. This is dangerous. Just like a cavity in your mouth, this type of thinking can grow, rot, become infected, and before you know it can create a  whole chain of problems.

So once home, while we all enjoyed our special treats and the important day, it was not cavities in my children's teeth I worried about. Instead it was the collective cavity in our society that I felt the need to protect not only our children, but our entire family from.