Part of the Whole

There are so many things that make up the whole of me. Many I know, some I may never know. But of these I am sure.
Passion. I am full of it! The things I believe in, I believe in whole heartily! Things I disapprove of I do so with a vengeance! I love passionately and sometimes those I should not or those who have not made themselves worthy of love, mine or other's. I talk with passion, laugh with passion, care with passion, dream with passion, despise with passion, protect with passion, argue with passion (and my can I!!), and try my best to live with passion.
Empathy. I feel it in my very being for others and even for those of supposed existence. I can imagine how someone feels just by hearing or reading what happened to them. And movies can be torture for me because I feel what the person should or would feel if it was real. My empathy goes not only for humankind but nature and all its' creatures as well. I am distraught over the lack of empathy in most people today and nothing can bring out the worst in me (or best?) faster then someone bullying or hurting someone else for thrills or just because they can.
And speaking of the worst... Temper. Yes, I have one of those for sure!! It takes a lot to trigger it but if it is really triggered, heaven helps us all! But it is not all bad because sometimes it is my anger or indignation that gets me motivated to make changes or do things to improve my surroundings.
Procrastination.
...as I was saying, I love it! It is a great way to pause throughout life and breath. Obviously if used too often it can get in the way of a productive life. But in a time when we want to fill every nano-second of our lives with something productive or at least considered productive by our societies, it is good to take a moment for, well, nothing!
A Dreamer. Day Dreaming, as it is called, is very important. To me it is like the soul exhaling, taking something from inside of you and putting it out into the universe. While it can not be seen, it is a vital part of living. And just as when we exhale with gusto we can move, inflate, or give wings to things so dreaming with passion moves things and gives shape and wings to our soul. As the dreams materialize our souls find another way to immortalize a part of themselves. I have been a dreamer almost since I can remember. It began as a part of my imagination and a way to quietly pass time or escape uncomfortable situations. Now I dream often. I dream of the near future and the far off eternity. I plan, research, work, and fight for a chance and way to fulfill the many dreams I have. Sometimes there are detours and sometimes alterations, but always the dreams are cherished and kept alive as my soul breaths.
Imaginative. Never has there been a lack of imagination in my soul. This is a great part of my ability for empathy and dreaming. I have a love hate relationship with my imagination in all honesty. When I am able to discover an unique way to solve a problem or make a point I am thrilled. It further allows me to see other's point of view and I believe thus helps me to be a better person. But past the fun and help it also gives me pain when I can foresee the worst in a person or situation or feel the agony of an injured ant or fellow human. I can imagine with fierceness the pain of someone who looses a loved one or the fear in a person or animal being mistreated or bullied. The most horrific and ugly the world has to offer I can sense and feel and this I often wish I could shut off or live without. Not that I would want to be non-empathetic or calloused, I just feel my own sufferings are enough to shoulder and I would rather not bare anymore. Wimpy of me? Perhaps. But honest? If only you could imagine.
Music Lover. You probably wonder why I would put this here. Music is more often thought of as a passion or interests and even a profession. But a part of someone? Well I can only speak for myself. For me music, along with passion and love, are the oxygen my soul breaths. How can music be such an necesary part of a soul? I am not sure. I have my theories. Suffice to say though that for me it is a very real and needed part of who I am.
A Lover. Of many things and people. I love deep and passionately and often too freely. While I always want to love others truly and with passion, I Find this more often a fault then a strength. I give more then I ever receive and while it is more blessed to give then to receive, there are boundaries to that thought process and when you only give but do not receive in kind you become a well that dries up and in the end has nothing but dust to give.
Opinionated. Is there a stronger word? Because if there is I should use that instead! There are some things I just cling to as necessary and so. Are they? Well I think so!!! Like, do not complain of others or things if you do them yourself! Do not say something unless you honestly know what you are talking about! There is no double standard for genders! Don't bring your god into godless things! Please do not hide behind things especially religion!! Do unto others, always!!! Laughter is never good or real if at some one's expense! A gift should be given not loaned and something the receiver wants not what the giver wants other wise calling it a gift is a bit of a stretch! And so on... Are these flexible, if you can make a good argument as to why they should change, perhaps. But more likely not. Is this a good thing? In most cases yes, but I often think about it to try and ensure how I use it remains a positive because I have seen what non-empathetic and disrespectful opinionated people can become and I don't want to go there.
Interests. I have a ton of these. So varied and different yet all so me! to list everything that is of interest to me would take a chunk of time and even then, I may discover a new one five minutes after I finished telling you what they were....
Which leads me to another big part of who I am. Learning. I love to learn. And learning from my mistakes and other's are a big part of this ( though I prefer to learn from other's in this instance). Beyond life's lessons I enjoy various subjects. Not all subjects are of interest to me, but I am not sure I could learn enough to satisfy myself in even the most appealing of all subjects let alone all. And as I learn I discover more intriguing subjects and thus a constant circle and cycle of learning goes on... I hope for an eternity.
Eternity...yup I said that. I believe in eternity, and God, and love, and good vs evil, the bible and.... whoa!!! Had to catch ya there because it seemed you were jumping to conclusions which are often nothing but illusions. I am spiritual yes, religious to a degree yes, but in the ways most think, not even close. But that is another post (or two or...).
Stubborn. This quality/fault I have in proportions not often seen. Sometimes it is one of my greatest assets. Other times it is my worst. But as I grow I continue to try and learn to use it for good and thus make it a wonderful and highly valuable trait to have!
Patience. This I have too much of (or something that acts like patience). I take far more then I should. Wait for things way beyond sensibly. Sometimes I am frustrated with the amount of patience I have and wish it were less. ...or maybe I just need another trait to counter it and help balance it out.
Talking. One of my favorite things...but is this a trait or ....
Communicating. I am great at getting a point across, mine or another's, verbally or in writing. I am also able to shout volumes with my body language and make love to or kill someone with my eyes. I am also a very good listener. However, I need to work on being better heard and understood when it comes to my own needs and wants.
Reading Other's. Yup I am one of those! I can be around someone a very short amount of time and know exactly what kind of person they are and their intentions. Have I ever been wrong? Nope. The problem? I hate these gut reactions because I feel like a cranky old judge categorizing people and putting them in little boxes and I hate it. So what do I do? Second guess myself, every time, never fails. And you know what else never fails? I find out I was right and wish I had listened to that "gut" reaction. I once heard someone say " When someone shows you who they are believe them the first time." Well.... I am still working on that!
Depressed. Sometimes very. Other times, not so badly. I have a lot of tough things in my life (who doesn't) and I hold it all in to be "strong" for others and hold them through whatever it is. No one does this for me. They never in all my life have. I feel overwhelmed and alone. Pain mixed with insomnia leave me feeling very tired and old at times. My energy seems to vaporize and I feel trapped. This is not a good trait... I am working on it!
Strong. Beyond my wildest dreams. Yet my strength it seems has not impressed this universe (which is understandable with how small in the scheme of things I am) and it keeps handing me things to see how I handle something else. Why? I do not know. I am thankful for my strength for without it I am sure I would have died long ago (or gone crazy). Yet at times I wish I was not the strong one. For it is the strong ones everyone else leans on and goes to, but then who do we go to? Being strong is wonderful in ways for nothing is more rewarding then knowing you were there for someone when the times were rough and held them through whatever it was. You were the person you always wish were there for you but never is. And so it becomes bitter sweet. The sweetness of being a person you know you would admire and be thankful for, bitter because not only do you know there will be no such person for you but beyond that you are often hated for raising above and riding the waves of life with grace.
An Elephant. Did I just say an elephant? Yup! Why? Because I NEVER forget things. Is this good? My jury is still out on this (yes I have a jury...I deliberate all the time!). When it comes to learning, it is a gift! When it comes to bad things that have happened or cruel things people have said... not so great..... Whoop... Caughtcha! Admit it you were jumping again!
Forgiving. Ha! After the last post and that jumping you were doing I bet you were surprised to see this one next! But honestly, I am very forgiving. Often too quickly and too many many times. However, this paired with my memory actually works out because after someone does something repeatedly I will at some point draw the line, armed with the history to back myself in this decision that is hard for me to make, and put an end to the ridiculousness once and for all. As forgiving as I am, once that line is drawn it is almost impossible to erase it.
Kind. I try to always be kind even to those who really are hard for me to rationally tolerate or excuse like pedophiles and murderers. I despise the things many people do but try hard to make sure that their choices do not change who I am and the person I choose to be. So no matter how revolting a behavior is or the person has become, I try with all my might to treat them with courtesy and respect as a human being.... Don't jump....
Blunt. Very! However I do not confuse honesty and bluntness with rudeness and spite. I know the difference and keep them as far away from each other as I humanly can. And I often go for the concept of not saying anything if it is not nice.
A Thinker. This is a never ending trait. Good? I am not so sure. I think and re think and re think and re think, well I suppose by now you get the picture. My mind never stops. I am glad I think things through, I do however very willing admit this is way beyond to an extreme. What should I do about it? I will have to think about it and get back to you.
Passive Aggressive. Me? How could you think that of me!? Ah, right, I said that. Yes, I can be very aggressive in a very calm and meaningful way without breaking any of my own ethics yet very successfully getting my displeasure across. Though in all honesty I am not sure why I need it, a simple look from me lets you know where you stand in an instant if I want you to know. Maybe it just feels good after all I have taken. A good trait? No. Immature really. But sometimes it really does feel good!
Constantly Aware of the Fragility of Life. Maybe this is because I grew up going to hospitals and funerals, maybe it is because I had an ill mother, or perhaps it is due to my own disease, but I am always aware of the reality that nothing is for sure. When I say goodbye to my loved ones in the morning, I say it with meaning in full hopes of seeing them again yet with the ever present thought that this could be the last time I see them. If I talk to you on the phone, I want it to end in a way that if one of us died in the next instant you would know that I loved or cared for you and to what extent. When I say "I love you" I say it with meaning and not in a casual way like so many do. If I am in a disagreement or fight with someone I care for I lay awake thinking about it and praying and hoping it can be resolved before one of us is no longer there. Does this mean I am a basket case and in fear at all times of death. Not at all. I just treasure life. I do not run around like a headless chicken attempting to pack all I can into every second I live, but I really try to live so if I died this second, those I love would know it without a doubt and be able to cherish and hold onto the strength of the love or friendship I gave and left behind. A good trait, I hope so. Depressing? At times... In the end though I feel it helps me to live genuinely and truly so when my time comes, after I am 120 or so, I have no major regrets.
Lonely. Deeply so. And this is not good. I want to fix this but can I? Only time will tell.
A True Friend. I would die for and go to extreme lengths for my close friends and to many lengths for those who I simply know. I am there for a friend in any way I can at any day or hour any place on this earth. I like this about me and I hope my friends always know what they mean to me.
Manipulator of the Truth. Hmmm. I could have said "Lyer" but that would not really explain what I want to say though in a way that is what I can be good at. I grew up knowing way too much very personal information about hundreds of people. Others knew this and thought I would be an easy target for extracting information about others. It horrified me and scared me that I could say something in total innocence and with no mal-intent and end up starting horrifying and preposterous stories about a person that could and would ruin them. I saw in the others around me a joy at bringing others to their knees or humiliating them so said person would feel better about themselves or their own faults. By the time I was four I knew I could never be part of this. However, I was raised to firmly believe that lying was wrong yet so was being rude or disrespectful. So what could a child do? I did the only thing I could figure out at that age, how to lie without ever lying. And I am very good at it! After decades of experience I can hide some one's secrets deeper then a straight in the oceans off Guam and camouflage it so you can not see the forest for the trees. Is this good? Under the circumstances, I am proud of myself but I wish my parents had the sense to not let me be privy to such personal information in the first place! Interestingly I only used it for others. For my own part, if you get too nosey... I will just smile and ignore the question or tell you "it is none of your business". Thank heavens I can do that as an adult without being rude or disrespectful!
Needy. Or I guess that is what it would be labeled. Honestly, I am not sure if I am needy or just bad at getting what I need and deserve. Something else to think about.
Talented. Yes. Though I am not sure what they all are. I can carry a tune quite well, handle a room full of children in a wide range of ages, help problematic kids, cook well enough, teach with ease, learn quite easily, write well enough to get my thoughts out there, deal with contrary people and often make it look easy, enjoy business ventures especially in retail and entrepreneurship and have seceded moderately in both, am able to help others see things in a new light, and love with passion and without conditions. So there are a few. Nothing earth shattering or outrageous. But they are mine and I am thankful for the ones I have.
So this is me? No only parts. Some good, some not, and some, well the jury is still out. With what I have I want to live fully and completely with as few regrets as possible yet all the while pushing the proverbial envelope just a little. I want to reach my grave not beautiful and preserved looking like a young angel taken too soon, but aged with every ounce of life used, every spark of passion ignited and shared, every dream fulfilled, every joy experienced, every good desire met, all smiles passed on, all hugs shared, all love given, all laughter ringing through time, and all those I touched better for having known me or honored me by allowing me into their lives. And then and only then shall my parts become whole.